(This idea was given to me by my good friend Tyler. He might not write for this blog or be as funny/good looking/athletic as me, but he’s a good dude. Follow him on Twitter, @TBates_95)
That’s an appropriate way to start a conversation nowadays, which is weird.
Because what else needs to be said about Kanye West? From young to old, all over the world, everyone knows all about the man, the myth, the self proclaimed artist of our generation, and allllllll of his assholery. Everyone’s got an opinion on the guy, which is what tends to happen when you do things such as…
Now he’s definitely, uh, out there, but I do enjoy his music. My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy is one of the best albums that’s been released since the turn of the century.
But speaking of the music, one of the most outrageous things he’s done is not only release the song “I Am A God,” but make it featuring God…without anyone actually being featured on the track. Which got me, er, my friend, thinking: Could you imagine the actual conversation between Kanye, the God, and God, the actual God (Godception) when Kanye dies? Like when Yeezus dies, what’s God gonna say when St. Peter rattles off his name at the pearly gates?
Well here’s my best guess:
*SETTING: A DMV-esque setting in the sky, except the overwhelming sense of boredom is replaced with angelic symphonies, and the dull colors and interior is the sunny sky (so not a DMV-esque setting at all really.) Seats, screens displaying order numbers alongside the latest weather and pop culture news, and St. Peter sitting behind a big desk.*
ST. PETER: Number 808? West, Kan-ohhhh boy.
KANYE: *auto-tuned singing* YEEZY SEASON APPROCHAANNNNNNN’, YE IN THA BUILDAAANNNN’.
ST. PETER: Mr. West, I’m gonna need to take a second, bec-
KANYE: YOU AIN’T GON’ TAKE A MEETING WITH KANYE WEST?!
ST. PETER: We’ve been waiting on you, yes, but not me specifically. You’re gonna need a minute.
KANYE: WHY WON’T Y’ALL LET ME CREATE?! MAKE SOMETHING GREAT?! HEH?!
ST. PETER: You’re very loud.
KANYE: *inhales* I, I, I’m just trying to be an arti-
ST. PETER: Wha, wha, what does being an artist have to do with me needing to grab someone else? Gimmie two seconds. *Speaks into intercom* Attention all saints, would any manager on duty, preferably God, please come to the gates? Any MOD, preferably God, to the gates please, thank you.
KANYE: God already here fam.
ST. PETER: *at first confused, understands what KANYE is saying with a roll of his eyes*
GOD: Hey Pete, whaaaat’s happening?
ST. PETER: You’ve been making that Office Space reference ever since it came out in 99’, and now it’s 2060 and it’s really old at this point.
KANYE: Y’ALL GON LET HIM RIP OFF JOKES FROM INDIE COMEDIES AND I CAN’T EVEN CREATE ACTUAL ART?! HEH?! IMMA SLAVE!
GOD: First of all, it’s a great reference so if you could keep your mouth shut, that’d be greeeeeeeeat.
ST. PETER: Again, old.
GOD: I could’ve entered with, “Did someone say, ‘Oh my Me?!’ but I didn’t.”
KANYE: He makes puns worse than dad jokes too fam?!
ST. PETER: *aside to KANYE* Nobody’s perfect, not even him.
KANYE: *whispers* Except me.
GOD: And that reminds me, second thing, Pete: I’m gonna take it from here, keep the regular line flowing. Kanye, come with me.
*KANYE and GOD move to a separate office, just to the side of the gates.*
GOD: Please, sit.
KANYE: I DON’T SIT AROUND OTHER PEOPLE, BECAUSE THEN THEY LOOK BIGGER THAN ME. NO ONE’S BIGGER THAN ME. I AM KANYE, MUHFUCKIN’, WEST. *auto-tuned voice* I AM A GAAAWWWWDDDD!!!
GOD: Well that’s actually a terrific segway.
KANYE: It’s terrific because I am a poet. I am Shakespeare. I am Robert Frost. I AM A GOD.
GOD: Cool but can I just have a se-
KANYE: I AM A GOD.
GOD: Kanye ple-
KANYE: I AM A GOD.
GOD: Stop it.
KANYE: HURRY UP WITH MY DAMN MASSAGE.
GOD: Now you’re singing the whole song?
KANYE: I AM A GOD.
KANYE: LET ME CREATE ART!
GOD: This isn’t art.
KANYE: I AM A G-
GOD: I ACTUALLY AM GOD, OK?! THE GOD *deep breath in and out* OK, back to the segway, what’s up with that? The whole, “I am a God” thing? Do you know the Ten Commandments? The whole “No other Gods besides me” business?
KANYE: It’s about my dreams, HEEHH! It’s not about me being the greatest rapper in the world, it’s not about being a celebrity. It’s not about being a clothing designer. It’s not about being an architect in the LA area. It’s not about being a world renowned culinary critic AND CHEF. I AM THIS GENERATION’S CHEF BOYARDEE. EMERALD. It’s not about being a garbage man, it’s about my DREAMS.
GOD: OK, dreams are cool to have but you can’t be a God when I’m THE God.
KANYE: *auto-tuned singing* THIS IS MY DREAAAMM, THAT’S MY DREEAAAMMM. NOBODY CAN TAKE THAT DREAAAAAMMM.
GOD: Also how are you doing that auto-tune thing on command?
KANYE: ……..because I’m a God.
GOD: ……I walked right into that one, point West. Whatever, but why are you calling yourself a God? You were merely a man. I am the light and the way. Point Me. You died, like a man. I haven’t died. Point Me. I can use pronouns for Myself with a capital letter, and you can only capitalize the K in Kanye. Point Me, again.
GOD: Well when you died, you didn’t resurrect, which is funny because that’s why you ended up dying. You wanted to prove you were a god by killing yourself in the most insane way and resurrecting. So, you brushed your teeth ten times and drank a gallon of orange juice, had five bananas and a two liter bottle of Sprite, gave yourself paper cuts between your fingers and toes along with intense floor burns on your knees. All while playing 808s and Heartbreak from start to finish.
KANYE: Yo what’s that supposed to mean?
GOD: Let’s pump the breaks Ye, that was your one big miss.
KANYE: THAT’S ART. I AM PICASSO.
GOD: Picasso never made music, sooooo I don’t follow. And even if he did, he’d make something better than “Amazing.”
KANYE: THAT IS A MASTERPIECE.
GOD: Whatever. It sucked. But moot point. So it was an accumulation of minor injuries leading to your demise, and you didn’t resurrect. You’re not a god, Yeezus.
KANYE: BUT YEEZUS RHYMES WITH JESUS, OH! BAM!
GOD: Have you even talked to Je-awh damnit!
KANYE: I JUST TALKED TO JESUS, HE SAID, “WHUDDUP YEEZUS?” I SAID, “YEAH I’M CHILLIN’, TRYNA STACK THESE MILLIONS.”
GOD: *groans* I’ve heard the song. But look, how could you call yourself a god when you have attacked people for taking pictures of you multiple times? I mean, yeah, I hate the paparazzi too, they’re the only real con up here, but still. You didn’t have to assault those guys. And calling George W. Bush a racist? Again, not the biggest fan, but not cool. E.L.E. Ye, that’s what I do and what we do up here.
KANYE: But how am I supposed to love those who make me a slave?! NIKE?!
GOD: Again with the Nike stuff?
KANYE: I go and make them Yeezy II’s and they don’t call me looking to create more art FOR FIVE MINUTES. Y’ALL GONNA WAIT TO CALL KANYE WEST FOR FIVE MINUTES?!?!
GOD: It’s shoes.
KANYE: I cannot create anything beautiful! Nike will not let me do what I DREAM of doing!!!! I LOVE YELLING! I AM AN ARTIST! I AM THIS GENERATION’S WALT DISNEY! ANDY WARHOL! BILL GATES! STEVE JOBS! GHANDI!
KANYE: FDR! WINSTON CHURCHILL! ANNE FRANK! ADOLPH HILTER!
GOD: Oh come on now.
KANYE: I’m playin’, but HELEN KELLER! RAY CHARLES! FRANK SINATRA! MARILYN MONROE! MARILYN MANSON!
GOD: Not that influential.
KANYE: PETE WENTZ! THE LEAD SINGER OF NICKLEBACK!
GOD: You can’t even name him. I’m cutting this off.
KANYE: Tell me, *air quotes* “God,” why should I choose this place? Why should I take my presence to Heaven?
GOD: W-w-wa-what?! First off, the air quotes?! Like I’m fake?! It’s not like we’ve been having a full conversation and you’ve been looking at me the whole time!!!! And also, you’re telling Me that you’re making this decision?!?! No, I say who’s in or out.
KANYE: THIS IS WHY I’M A SLAVE!
GOD: HEAVEN IS ACTUALLY THE LAST PLACE WHERE SLAVERY WOULD HAPPEN SO NO YOU’RE NOT!
KANYE: But WHY is this place worthy of my presence?!
GOD: *sighs* You know what Ye? I kinda respect the whole asshole campaign that you’re pulling off. You just don’t care about anyone. Even your kid; you got mad at North back in 2015 when she said, “Mama I love you,” instead of “Dada you’re the voice of this time in the world’s history and an inspiration for everyone.” You considered releasing an album that would’ve costed millions to produce, consisting of strictly your farts and the farts of some other featured artists.
KANYE: THAT’S ART!
GOD: Your whole tool attitude is something that doesn’t fly too well here, but honestly, I’m willing to let it slide. While you were just a dick sometimes, you did it in a dicky world. And in a time where a bunch of people, even in your industry, would conform and just spew out stuff people wanted to hear, you spoke your mind. Credible or ridiculous, right or wrong, legit or nonsense, you said what you wanted to say. I respect that. Sure, there’s some stuff you reeeeeaaaalllllyyyyy shouldn’t have done, but the fact you haven’t killed, raped, committed adultery, or completely discredited Me, and because it’s Friday and I’m in a good mood, I’ll let you in.
KANYE: You’re welcome..
KANYE: Aren’t you gonna say “thank you” to me?
GOD: Why would I?
KANYE: HEH?! SAY “THANK YOU YEEZUS” NOW!
GOD: Just get out…
*KANYE walks out and is about to pass through the pearly gates.*
KANYE: But aye, uh, God, one more thing fam.
GOD: What’s that my son?
KANYE: I know we might’ve gotten off the wrong foot. But I just wanted to say that you’re a great God. I respect what you do, and I love what you create. I know it when I see it. You do your thing, and just like how you respect me, an artist, for doing that, I respect you for it. From one god to another, keep killin’ it.
GOD: Ya know, I’m not gonna fight this. I’ll just take the compliment at this point.
*GOD and KANYE hug, and dap each other up.*
*Cheesy music ends.*
KANYE: *auto-tuned* SEE Y’ALL ROUND FAM. BOUND. YE. HEH!
GOD: Hmm, maybe he won’t be that bad here.
*KANYE passes through the gates; sees FRANZ FERDINAND.*
KANYE: Yo Franz, I’m really sorry for you, and imma let you finish, BUT ABRAHAM LINCOLN HAD ONE OF THE WORST ASSASSINATIONS OF ALL TIME! ONE OF THE WORST ASSASSINATIONS OF ALL TIME! *shrugs*
GOD: Or maybe not.