NOTE: This was all written before and during the Oscars. This is my solution to not completely blowing up Twitter, and it’s a peak inside my beautiful dark twisted
The Oscars: The Super Bowl for people who don’t give a rat’s ass about the Super Bowl!
But in all seriousness, I’m a sucker for some of these award shows, especially if I have some stock in it. The Grammys weren’t too too big for me this year, for example. Yeah, I watched them and rooted for and against some of the nominees, but none of my absolutely favorite acts were up for big awards.
The Oscars this year is a little different, since I’ve only seen a couple of the big movies: American Sniper, Gone Girl, and Foxcatcher. After that, I’ve had people telling me that the movies up for awards are either “oh, sooooooooo good” or “shit,” so I need to see them for myself. I know certain people are up for awards and are big time favorites, like Julianne Moore for Still Alice, but the Academy has a huuuuuuuge reputation for screwing the pooch on stuff, *cough* shakespeareinloveoversavingprivateryan *cough*.
So I’m going in this with predictions, but also an open mind to make this an enjoyable show. Here are my pre game predictions, at 8:20 on Sunday. Show starts at 8:30 but I feel like I’ve got some time considering the important awards will start being presented at like 3 in the morning.
Best Picture: I want American Sniper, but I know it’s probably gonna be Boyhood. With the exception of The Hurt Locker, Hollywood HAAAATES war movies. It’s obnoxious, yet that’s how the donkey dances.
Best Actor: Everyone’s saying Michael Keaton for
Jack Frost Birdman, is the surefire winner, so if I were a gambling man he’d be my pick. But as a rooter, I’m pulling for either Bradley Cooper for American Sniper because he was un-fucking-believable, or Steve Carrell in Foxcatcher. It was weird seeing him in that because all I saw was Michael Scott and I couldn’t take it seriously, but once I got over that, I really enjoyed him as John du Pont. Don’t sleep on Benedict Cumberbatch in The Imitation Game either. Eddie Redmayne as Stephen Hawking might also win. Shit, this is a good category.
Best Actress: Rosamund Pike in Gone Girl was riveting, but it’s gotta be Julianne Moore. Haven’t seen one major outlet say otherwise so I’ll be a sheep here.
Best Supporting Actor: I think it’s gonna be Ethan Hawke for Boyhood or Mark Ruffalo for Foxcather, and considering I saw the latter, I’m pulling for him. He was incredible in that.
Best Supporting Actress: Haven’t seen any of these, so I’m rooting for Emma Stone (Birdman) or Keira Knightly (The Imitation Game) because I love them both. Meryl Streep will probably win though because she always wins and it’s annoying.
Best Director: Anytime you make a movie for like a billion years, you deserve to win, so it has to be Richard Linklater for Boyhood. Bennett Miller is a dark horse for Foxcatcher as well.
Best Adapted Screenplay: Everyone’s telling me Whiplash and The Theory of Everything are terrific, but I’ve heard Chris Kyle’s book is almost just like the movie, so there’s my pick.
Best Original Screenplay: It’s gotta be Boyhood again. You write a movie that takes eons to write, and you deserve to win that.
So let’s get to the live reactions!
–Benedict Cumberbatch not being pretentious with the drinking joke, I like it.
-Any Matt Damon and Ben Affeleck joke is funny.
-This moving pictures thing is pretty cool.
–ANNA KENDRICK! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! SO FUNNY! SO CUTE!
-Who invited Jack Black?
-Selfie joke already happened at the Oscars Jack, figure it out. Go back to being obsolete. Nice job for telling him to beat it babe.
-Neil Patrick Harris is perfect for this. I mean I loved Seth MacFarlane’s hosting job but all of the Hollywood hardos got butthurt. Neil, on the other hand, is just edgy enough for them.
-AYE IT’S KEITH AHBAHN!
-LOVE the Oprah joke, she sucks.
-Not much of a monologue, which is disappointing, but the Smurfs joke was funny.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
-WOAH GETTING RIGHT INTO IT!
-I’m cool with J.K. Simmons winning, he’s a funny dude. Haven’t seen Whiplash but still.
-Like the speech, good message, not too long of a talk, solid stuff.
0/1 on picks
-Great Farmers Insurance reference from NPH.
-This whole box thing is kinda weird but still funny.
–LIAM NEESONS! Now we just need Bruce Willy.
-Never really saw the appeal of The Grand Budapest Hotel, Wes Anderson is alright but this looks bizarre/almost unenjoyable.
-GOD American Sniper was such a good movie.
-Everyone’s all in on this 50 Shades shit huh?
-Being reminded Maroon 5 sold out makes me so sayad.
-Will JLo ever age? Doubtful.
-Costume design, don’t care!
–So new rule: during all of these stupid awards that no one cares about, I’ll reflect on past Oscar decisions and memories, one per group of awards that no one pays attention to since they seem to give them in bulk. To start, like I mentioned, Saving Private Ryan losing to fucking Shakespeare in Love is possibly the worst decision since…I don’t even know, it’s that stupid.
-Witherspoon is a fringe top 10 looking chick if her chin isn’t huuuuge.
-Kinda wish I went to the bathroom during that whole bit…
-Keith Ahbahn is a lucky dude, Nicole’s still got it.
-Forgeign lanuage film? Time for another Oscar throwback! Goodfellas losing to Dances with Wolves for Best Picture? Jesus, Goodfellas is better than The Godfather (yeah I said it) and it doesn’t beat a Kevin Costner film? C’mon man.
-SAVAGE move by telling “Get Off the Stage in A Minor” to eat shit by the Polish director.
-Alright, The Theory of Everything looks amazing. Gotta see it.
-Steve Carell doing Steve Carell things.
-HOW WAS THE LEGO MOVIE NOT NOMINATED FOR BEST ANIMATED MOVIE?!?!?!?!?!?! THE ACADEMY MEMBERS HAVE NO SOULS.
-Get. Off. My. Screen. Oprah.
-The Hollywood big wigs must be shitting themselves watching The Lonely Island go nuts.
-Should’ve kept going with that whole movie titles thing but hey, what can you do? We’ve got useless awards to present here!
-Throwback: How hard must it have sucked to be nominated for Best Picture in 1994? Forrest Gump won, which is probably the right call, but the thought that both The Shawshank Redemption and Pulp Fiction didn’t win Best Picture is just insane. Those three movies are, arguably, top 10 movies ever, and two of them didn’t win the biggest award in the industry. Add that with the fact that there’s some really weak years with winners that aren’t nearly as good as the last two, and that blows my mind.
-Kinda wish I heard about these documentaries; who finds these things?
-All for seeing veteran help lines getting some recognition, be it from the Academy or anything else. Same with the talks for suicide awareness. But (another Barstool reference, two in a row) Feitelberg said it, not me.
-“Hey we really don’t have a lot of time for all of these people who have dedicated their lives to movies, so here’s two minutes for a half assed montage recognizing that these other awards happened!”
-British accents are bomb…and Annie did seem horrendous. Didn’t see one good review for it.
-Gwyneth Paltrow, I hate you. Thanks for breaking Chris Martin’s heart, asshole.
-Tim McGraw has been off his game over the last few years, but this is a terrific performance for a touching song. Wow, I’m getting reeeeeaaaaallll soft on this post…
-NPH: brass balls.
-Margot Robbie: smoke.
-Sienna Miller: another smoke.
–American Sniper won best sound mixing or something, and Axford’s perfecto is gone; he’s at 6/7 now. Linked the “YOU BLEW IT!!!!!” scene from Billy Madison so I’m alright with that.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
-Jared Leto is sneaky so versatile.
-SOOOOO true about Meryl Streep. If she wins I’ll lose it. Kiera or Emma pls.
-Not Meryl, so I’m OK with it.
0/2 on picks.
-Even Ted Williams went 0/2 sometimes. All the greats did: Wily Mo Pena, Christian Guzman, Julio Lugo, all those guys went 0/2 some days. However, pretty sure Wily Mo never went 0/3.
–NEW HOUSE OF CARDS TRAILER!!!!!! “What are you looking at?”-Frank Underwood, ugh that’s excellent.
-Maybe a bit of bias, but “Miracles” by Coldplay from Unbroken should’ve been nominated for best original song. Whatevz, over it.
-Flashback: What if you could nominate 10 movies every year in year’s past like you can now? That whole thing started back in ’09, so what if The Dark Knight got nominated in 2008? Because it should have.
–ANNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! I’m hopelessly in love with Anna Kendrick, I don’t know what to do with myself
-Enough Kevin Hart though, can only take so much of him. He can be funny, but too much of him can get to be annoying. Never too much Anna though.
-Axford is 10/11, damn…
-AGAIN, WHY ISN’T THE LEGO MOVIE HERE?!
-Zoe Saldana: low key smoke.
–Big Hero 6 has to chill with the speech, you guys pretty much won the silver, you know that right? Fuckin’ Disney wins this thing every year, and usually it’s deserved, but still.
-Axford is now 10/12, he went with How to Train Your Dragon 2. You serious bro? Disney ain’t losing to no DreamWords bitch ass sequel!
-How many “We are here to celebrate ______” speeches are we gonna get?
-Honestly didn’t pay attention to that whole speech but HEY CHRIS PRATT!
-Sometimes the Academy gets it all fucked up, but sometimes they get it right. American Beauty, Gladiator, Slumdog Millionare, The Hurt Locker, The Departed, and Million Dollar Baby were all fairly recent flicks that were the right choices for Best Picture in my mind.
-Jessica Chastain: another low key smoke.
-Idris Elba: badass.
-Axford update: 12/14, not too shabby.
-In Memoriam time, time to find out that at least one person I’ve heard of died. There’s always that one person that makes you say, “Shit, they died?”
-It wasn’t as much as I didn’t hear about it, but I totally forgot Richard Attenborough died and now I’m bummed.
-Nothing for Joan Rivers? The chick who pretty much made the red carpet what it is? No, nothing? She must’ve really pissed off the wrong people then.
-If they don’t give even a quick shoutout to Miracle, especially considering this is 35 years to the day of the win against the Commies, then Hollywood officially hates sports and all of those dirty savages. “They are not artists!”
-Wondering if any of this is making sense to the readers; need a big award to spark the interest again at this point.
-Oh, editing, great.
-Going back to Shakespeare in Love, that beat out Saving Private Ryan AND Life is Beautiful?! Life is Beautiful is an emotional roller coaster and probably the best foreign film ever. Shakespeare in Love is just Gwyneth Paltrow being an asshole. Soooo bitter about that.
-I’ve heard Selma is terrific as well, same with The Imitation Game, damn I just need to see all of these movies.
-Jennifer Aniston: timeless smoke.
-Waitwaitwaitwaitwait…they made a Snowden documentary? How didn’t I hear about that?
-This chick is wicked creepy, out of breath and shit. She’d fit right in with the McPoyles from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
-NPH IS ON FIRE! Snowden couldn’t be here tonight “for some treason,” gold Jerry, gold! Say what you want about him, treason or not, that’s a great joke.
-13/16 for Axford. It’ll be interesting to see his picks with the ones that people actually care about.
-The prediction box gig is kiiiiiinda getting old.
-Wait…was the whole box joke made to set up that presentation joke?
-“Glory” is a cool song and all and has a pretty good message, but we JUST heard John Legend and Common preform this a few weeks ago at the Grammys right? Seems a little redundant to me but hey we’ll roll with it.
-ADELE DAZEEM FIRING BACK AT JOHN TRAVOLTA!
-Hey John Legend and Common weren’t you guys just on the stage?
-The thought of “Everything is Awesome” beating “Glory” after that whole performance is incredible.
-Oprah is gonna have a heart attack after that win I think.
-Scarlett Johansson: great way to reduce my confusion of what just happened. Also, top 5 smoke.
-“Here’s a timeless movie, let’s have a chick who wore a meat dress revive it!”
-She actually killed that, so good for her.
-Oh so NOW they bring out Maria.
-Axford is now 14/18, hopefully he doesn’t fall off too hard towards the end. The legends don’t let the wheels fall off the wagon.
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
-Yo straight up, Eddie Murphy doesn’t wanna be here.
-Welp, not even close!
0/3 on picks
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
-Oprah, I’m asking you nicely: go away.
-“THE IMITATION GAAAAAMMMEEE!!!!” Oprah just says everything the same way. I was expecting prizes to be given out.
-Awesome speech about being yourself, butttt….
0/4 on picks
-Alright now these awards really need to start getting good.
–Top 5 actahs of all time? Ben Affleck…
-Funny and ironic, because Affleck wasn’t nominated for Argo!
-HOW does Boyhood not win there? You work on a movie for 12 years and can’t win; that’s gotta suck.
-Axford called that one though, dude’s impressive and might be heating up; he’s 16/21.
0/5 on picks
-Alright let’s get a win here, eh? Keaton would be a point, Cooper would be a moral win.
-Still so weird to see Michael Scott doing a serious role.
-Redmayne looked amazing, so that seems alright with me, and I love to see how hyped he is and the ALS shout out is awesome, BUTTTTTT…
0/6 on picks
-Just one win…again, Moore for points, Pike for moral.
-LOVE Matty dropping an “Alright” in our faces, LOVE IT!
1/7 ON PICKS AYEEEE
-OK enough with the case thing.
-I take that back, this is pretty funny.
-Sean Penn looks ROUGH!
-This is killing me…
-BUT WHERE’S FOXCATCHER?! GONE GIRL?!
-SAY IT SEAN PENN!!
-“Who gave this sunnuva bitch his green card?” Welllll alright Sean Penn!
-Dickie V with the tweet of the night: short, sweet, AWESOME BABY WITH A CAPITAL A!!!!
-Oh so now we’re talking about government? K cool.
-Axford finishes 17/24. He missed on the big one, but still not bad.
1/8 on picks
So clearly I don’t know shit about movies but eh, whatever, spring training is here so I’m feelin’ alright, Joe Cocker style. Although it was kinda underwhelming at the end, I now have to see Birdman. But all in all good stuff from NPH and a good wrap up of the year in cinema. Some snubs, sure, but that’s what happens. I think the Academy didn’t do a horrible job this year so that’s always a plus.
That’s all I’ve got, thanks for sticking with me through all my stupid thoughts!
Now excuse me while I talk to John Axford and figure out how he did that…