By this point everyone knows I’m pro-Noel. And while I may take offense to some of the stuff he has to say about the Arctic Monkeys, I think most of this shit is hilarious. He’s like a cross between Rust Cohle and a 47 year-old Holden Caulfield. Bowman also does similar things when he rants. Here are the highlights from the list:
“Do you know that track by Alt-J, ‘Left Hand Free’? That is a great track. But Alt-J can fuck right off as far as I’m concerned. It’s a great tune, and I paid 79 pence for it, but I am in no way a fan of Alt-J…. One of them’s got a mustache, and that’s unacceptable.” –RS, Feb. 2015
That one will piss Bowman off real good. Now for the rest:
5. One Direction
“Fucking idiots… They’re all winning. No one’s losing! The only people who are losing are idiots like me at 9.30 in the morning when you’re trying to get the kids out the door for school, and they’re fucking murdering one of Blondie’s songs.” –GQ (U.K.), Oct. 2013
6. The X Factor
“There’s a boy band with eight lads in it. You cannot get eight people to sing in tune, live. It is impossible. If the Beach Boys couldn’t do it, no one’s doing it. And there they are, miming their little hearts out to a Snow Patrol cover. Honestly, I have a vein in the side of my neck that jumps out about four inches.” –BBC Radio 2, Feb. 2015
7. Being Reduced to Mild Trashing…
“We used to proper fucking wreck things man. It was total destruction. But we’ve grown up now. It’s just mild trashing now.” –1998 TV Interview
8. …And Becoming a “Pussy”
“When you’re 24 in the biggest band in the world, I’m sure you can work out all the nonsense that entails. When you’re a 47-year-old solo artist, it’s different. You become a fucking pussy, is what happens.” –RS, Feb. 2015
*He pretty much was a solo artist then too.
9. Ed Sheeran Headlining Wembley
“I don’t think I can live in a world where that’s even possible. When you hear that kind of polished pop and then there’s a ginger guy with a fucking guitar it seems subversive, but it’s fucking not.” –NME, Jan. 2015
*Ed Sheeran is a sell out.
10. Health Care
“Why would you check into a hospital to pay somebody four grand an hour to tell your things that really you should already know about yourself?… Give me the money. I’ll sort it out for you.” –Video Interview
“Didn’t go into rehab like all me mates did – fucking lightweights.” –Q Magazine, 1999
15. Anyone Who’s Ever Had Anything to Do With a Book
“Because people who write and read and review books are fucking putting themselves a tiny little bit above the rest of us who fucking make records and write pathetic little songs for a living…. Book sellers, book readers, book writers, book owners – fuck all of them.” –GQ (U.K.), Oct. 2013
16. The Grammys
“No. I can’t really stomach things like that. Everybody’s too nice. You cannot have a room with 5,000 people, who are all fans of each other. That’s not real.” –RS, Feb. 2015
“[If the word “artistry”] applies to Beyoncé then fuck me.” –National Post, Feb. 2015
*That word doesn’t apply to most people nominated for Grammys
22. Erotic Fiction
“Fifty Shades of Grey? Fifty shades of shite.” –GQ (U.K.), Oct. 2013
34. Artists Who Don’t Write Songs
“I have difficulties with people who don’t write their own songs, who’ve got a team of songwriters who work for your record label.” –RS, Feb. 2015
“All I’ve done is sit around the house and become a fucking hypochondriac. Dog-shit year. Can’t wait until it’s over.” –RS, Dec. 2013
40. Arcade Fire’s Reflektor
“I haven’t heard it. Anybody that comes back with a double album, to me, needs to pry themselves out of their own asshole. This is not the Seventies, OK? Go and ask Billy Corgan about a double album. Who has the fucking time, in 2013, to sit through 45 minutes of a single album? How arrogant are these people to think that you’ve got an hour and a half to listen to a fucking record?” –RS, Dec.
*I fckn hate this album. Strong analysis from Noel.
“I like that Singapore thing. You know – you get caught dropping litter you get your head chopped off. I’d have a bin on every street corner. If you’re going to buy a doughnut, eat the fucking doughnut. Don’t have a bite and then chuck it on the floor. Eat the fucking doughnut.” –GQ (U.K.), Oct. 2013
“I feel sorry for Keane. No matter how hard they try they’ll always be squares. Even if one of them started injecting heroin into onto his cock people would go, ‘Yeah but your dad was a vicar, good night.'” –NME compendium
*Is it any wonder Noel’s tired?
62. The Royal Family
“I wouldn’t wish the royal family dead, just seriously maimed. I’d take a couple legs off.” –Buzzfeed
63. Sum 41
“I’m just glad I lived long enough to hear the shittiest band ever.” –2002
*This is partly true. There are some hits that I like, but I could never sit through an album.
64-65. Blues, Jazz
“Blues is the birth of rock & roll. Jazz is rubbish. Let’s talk about rock & roll.” –Video Interview
“The thing that gets me is, people will say that [Blur’s] the Beatles and we’re the Stones. The fact of the matter is, we’re the Beatles and the Stones, and they’re the fucking Monkees.” –CMJ, April 1996
*Don’t flatter yourself or anything.
76. Jack White
“Jack White has just done a song for Coca-Cola. End of. He ceases to be in the club. And he looks like Zorro on doughnuts. He’s supposed to be the poster boy for the alternative way of thinking…. I’m not having that, that’s fucking wrong. Particularly Coca-Cola, it’s like doing a fucking gig for McDonald’s.” –NME, December 2005
*Not a fan of his solo career.
96. Mick Jagger
“I regret going to the Caribbean island of Mustique with Mick Jagger, Jerry Hall, Johnny Depp and Kate Moss and trying to write Be Here Now…. [Jagger] was spending too much time trying to get off with Kate Moss to [bother giving advice].” –Spin, Oct. 2008
“Stagecraft is beneath me. That guy from Maroon 5 — he needs stagecraft.” –Vogue, March 2015
“The root of all that is bad in the world. All religious and political preachers.” –GQ (U.K.), Oct. 2013
99. The Bible
“If you’re thinking that anything written in a book 2,000 years old bears any relevance to anything these days…” –GQ (U.K.), Oct. 2013
100. An Oasis Reunion
“[You’d have to pay me] Half a billion. I’d rather it be pounds but I’ll even take shitty dollars.” –National Post, Feb. 2015
“If you could sum up my career with films, Oasis was a cross between The Wolf of Wall Street and Saving Private Ryan – it was all about the struggle and the chaos.” –Vogue, March 2015
It’s almost like he’s got a tick. And a certain trigger word will set it off. Words like “Liam”, “Oasis”, “book”, any British band, most musicians besides himself, and then other random things like 2013, health care, and erotic fiction. I guess Noel is a strongly opinionated man.