Introducing The Social Media Stock Market Report

Writer’s block got the best of your boy BFitzP today, folks. I know I can’t publish a “The Sox suck so here’s some throwback Sox porn for ya” article I have waiting in my drafts because they’re actually playing well, I gotta wait a bit more to publish the third installment to the BfitzP-laylist to reply to Andersen’s mega hipster group of songs, and I have to wait just a bit more to put out an “Only in Dreams” U2 setlist.

But it’s in moments like these where the true legends of the casual blogging game step up. When the going gets tough, the tough get going, and when a writer is temporarily out of ideas, they create a brand spankin’ new series of posts to prevent that problem happening in the future! That’s Journalism 101 comin’ at y’all.

That’s right, this is the very first edition of the Social Media Stock Market Report.

“Hey Fitz,” you’re probably asking yourself, “That sounds like a good idea, which is clearly not a surprise coming from you! But what’s this whole thing all about?”

If you follow me on Twitter (@BfitzP17 if you don’t, sorry that I can’t make shameless promotion less awkward) then you might’ve seen me tweet Twitter stock market reports once or twice. Basically, if I find an account that’s pumping out flames in a recent span of time, then I’ll say its stock is rising. I don’t do it too often; three out of my, well, lots of tweets (thanks for sticking with me, I love my fans) have fallen under this category.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen…

So to defeat this writer’s block, I’ve decided to expand this idea to all social media outlets and pass on the results to you. In this series, I’ll be giving you what’s hot and what’s not (in my book, of course) in the internets. Buy, buy, buy, like the normal stock market, means that a social media thingy is on fire and the commodity is high, and sell, sell, sell means the opposite; it’s getting old/not funny/stupid/not worthy of attention/just staight up bad, so sell the stock.


Buy, Buy, Buy: Reactions to JPP’s Firework Mishap

Look, anyone getting hurt is usually not the funniest thing in the world. I shouldn’t have to explain that one to you. But if something is 250% perpetrated by the person injured, then all bets are off. Jason Pierre-Paul falls under that exception. He was too much of an idiot to hold a lit firework in his hand, and now the dude’s out oof $60 million bucks. Thus, jokes are completely OK to make and, boy, they are being made. Twitter had approximately zero chill and was relentless in making JPP hand jokes, which resulted in tremendous payouts to us, the consumers. KFC from the Stool retweeted a bunch of them, so the sample here is taken off of his TL.

Sell, Sell, Sell: Any of those fuckin’ “Tweet like a…” or “(blank) Problems” accounts that copy each other’s tweets

It’s so hard nowadays to discover who tweeted what first because of those stupid accounts. You know the types: the ones that try to be SEEEEWWWWWWWWW RELATEABLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE and just steal each other’s tweets. For example, on the 4th I probably saw the “I’m always free” tweet about 500 times from 500 different accounts. Funny the first time? Yes. Funny after you keep seeing it? Not really.

Yeah, like a Kardashian would react like that.

Seriously tho do these people think we wouldn’t notice?


Buy, buy, buy: Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Breaking news: Facebook sucks. I know, shocker.

Sell, sell, sell: Everything. Absolutely everything.

Pop quiz: does Facebook still suck? Yeah, nothing has changed from the buy, buy, buy. It’s just a collective group of weird family members and people who got the short end of the stick when it comes to Darwinism. I really only use it nowadays to sometimes talk to family and post these articles and other ventures of mine. If you got to this article from Facebook, however, I’m sure you’re A-OK!!!!


Buy, buy, buy: “WHAT ARE THOOOOOOSE!!!!” vines

At this point, we’re probably split 50/50 on this. Personally, I’m still a huge fan. In about a week or so I bet this’ll be relegated to sell, sell, sell since it’ll be beaten like the Cleveland Browns, but for the moment it’s still fire. Everyone has been saying it all started with this beauty…

…but a few months ago I saw this bad Larry.

Whatevz. It’s big now, that’s all that matters.


Sell, Sell, Sell: Ry Doon

Used to love the guy. Thought he was laugh out loud funny, he was a Vine legend. But, like most social media stars, his shtick got played out and now he barely gets a giggle out of me. You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain. He fell into the trap of doing too many collabs with other Vine stars. Take it from guys like Cody Ko: You don’t necessarily need other people to be featured in your vines for it to be funny. Actually, for the most part, collabs on Vine are anything but funny. Oh well, #NeverForget.


Buy, buy, buy: @mrpimpgoodgame

You ever stroll along something so ridiculous that it’s comical? And you keep strolling upon that same thing for a while but every time it’s still funny? That’s what Mr. Pimp Good Game, the self proclaimed “leader of the selfie movement,” is. Go ahead and scroll through his Instagram; it’s literally just selfies of him with the same face and all caps captions. That’s it. The man is a national treasure. He’s so simplistic, yet so complex. No matter if his caption is a long ass thing, or just simply #GOODNIGHT, @mrpimpgoodgame has and always will be a top Instagram account.

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Sell, sell, sell: @kevinlove

God you’re so soft.

However, that’s still not as bad as Bron Bron’s soul searching pic.

And while we’re on the topic, I can’t forget the best NBA player Instagram post ever, courtesy of JR Swish.

So that’s it for our first ever Social Media Stock Market Report. Invest wisely, my friends. And remember, no matter how much the market is changing, a Twitter investment in @BfitzP17 and @stitchedupblog will always be a safe move. I’ll see myself out after that one.