Let us all get one thing out of the way: Space Jam is an all time classic. It somehow managed to get snubbed at the Oscars, losing Best Picture to some bullshit called Braveheart or Bravelung or some other courageous bodily organ. Even more ridiculous is the fact that Elmer Fudd lost out on his opportunity for a Best Actor award to some hack named Nicholas Ca-
Wait what the fuck Nicholas Cage won an Oscar? I’m just casually Googling around to make a joke about Elmer Fudd deserving an Oscar and I find out that Nicholas Cage, the legendary Nicholas Cage, has won a Best Actor Award from the Academy. Before this pivotal moment in my life, I lived in a world where Nicholas Cage did not win an Oscar, and now I live in a world where he did. Nicholas Cage is Schrodinger’s cat. Before uncovering this information, it was true that Nicholas Cage had and hadn’t won an Oscar, at least in my reality. It’s like I thought the cat was alive only to find out that no, it died, and has been reincarnated as Best Actor Nicholas Cage. I feel like these past two minutes have been a personal journey for me, as the world around me has changed forever in my eyes. And all of you were here to witness my transformation. You are my apostles.
Anyway, I liked Space Jam when I was a kid. And apparently, according to the Wall Street Journal, LeBron James is partnering up with Warner Brothers for some sort of entertainment deal. This of course has people talking about the possibility of a new Space Jam movie.
Okay look, I am all for a new Space Jam, but maybe just not with LeBron James. The only way that I would be fine with LeBron starring in a Space Jam movie is if he walked away from basketball to slum it on some minor league baseball team like Jordan (mostly because I think that would be absolutely hilarious). Maybe I’m being selfish, but I want a Space Jam movie with the next generation superstar. Because fuck LeBron. If I had to watch a movie where he’s running around in a Cavs jersey with Buggs Bunny then I think I might just kill myself. And besides, the movie simply wouldn’t make sense in a logical level. How are we, as audience members, seriously expected to believe that Moron Mountain is not an objectively better place to live than Cleveland?