Power Couple Of the Year Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence Are Getting Married, According to OK! Magazine (Take It With A Grain Of Salt but Don’t Take It With A Grain Of Salt)

http://okmagazine.com/photos/jennifer-lawrence-chris-martin-engaged-ready-for-baby/photo/1001282336/

WOOOOOOOOOOOWEEEEEEEE!!!!! TRUE LOVE EXISTS!!!! LET’S FUCKIN’ GOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! CHRIS PULLIN’ FOR THE SQUAD!!!!!!

Live look at the bitch known as Gwyneth Paltrow:

chris martin dunk

GWYNETH’S FACE ON A POSTER!!!!!!

When you dump the dude that wrote countless songs for you, including “Fix You,” then you deserve to be dunked on as you are right now. If you ditch the guy who wrote additional tunes about the births of your own children, including “Speed of Sound,” then you don’t deserve to be treated with an adequate level of respect. And if you “consciously uncouple” from the man who dedicated an entire FUCKING LP to your recently dead father (what is X&Y?) and the one person that can sing “The Scientist” to you like no other human can, then you and your ass should be left in the dust for someone much more attractive/fun/exciting/lively/skilled at acting/less of a bitch. So I don’t feel sorry for you one bit Yoko Paltrow.

Aaaaaaanywho, when’s the date for this shindig so I can attend? I’ll take off work, I’ll skip a day of class, I gotta be at this wedding. Power couple city. You’ve got one of the most famous actresses in the world, someone that everybody seems to love and for good reason, and the frontman to arguably the biggest band in the world. Now THAT’S a couple that I would volunteer to be the third wheel for. We’ve all been a third wheel at one time or another, and it usually kiiiiiiiiiiinda makes you wanna drink bleach, but for Chris and JLaw? For sure not. I’m in there like swimwear. As Michael Scott’s mom once said said, “…the third wheel is what makes it a tricycle.”

OK!, AKA a glorified tabloid, reported this, so I’ll take this with a tiny grain of salt. I’ll then proceed to swallow that grain of salt because no one with a heart can resist the…”Magic” (I hate myself) of Chris Martin. I stress the “with a heart” part as I look angrily in Gwyneth’s direction.

You know what this means for Coldplay though, right? HAPPY ALBUM ON DECK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, it seems like we’re out of the woods of mopiness that was the Ghost Stories era. Pretty good (not great) album, yes, but more laid back and just really the music you can listen to by yourself.

But now I’m expecting A Head Full of Dreams to be live as FUHK. Chris is gonna be happy, which means the music is gonna be electric. Every song will be a luscious combination of “Shiver,” “Charlie Brown,” “Hurts Like Heaven,” “Life in Technicolor,” and “Every Teardop is a Waterfall” in terms of energy. And the best part of it all? The upcoming album is gonna have a new and unique sound from the four boys, per usual with any new Coldplay album. Say what you want about them, but don’t try and tell me that they don’t reinvent themselves with every new venture because that’s just not true. It’s what makes them so special and awesome. So yeah, now I’m anxious for the new album. A Head Full of Dreams and a whole bunch of Jennifer Lawrence; what a life for Chris Martin.

Now all we need is a Guy Berryman-Anna Kendrick hookup. I would fifth wheel the hell out of that, because if I can’t have her then I would be happy to see Guy get with AK.

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