Am I Missing Something, Roger?

The seahorse.


A docile, unique creature. There are many aspects of this animal that attract the interest of scientists worldwide. Beyond all, it is the seahorse’s vision spectrum that is the most intriguing.


Blurry image aside, this is the spectrum of visible light that human beings can perceive. That little sliver right there.


Well, their visible light spectrum is longer than that of man’s. They can see more colors than we can. Think of all the colors you know. Our entire world is made of of these colors. Anytime we dream or imagine an object, we see it in colors within that spectrum. We can not even imagine what colors the seahorses can perceive. It’s completely out of our realm of thought. Seahorses see more of the universe than we do.

They know something we don’t.

Based on the title of this post, you can probably tell where I’m going with this. As with the colors perceivable by seahorses, I can not, in my most concentrated state of nirvana, comprehend how Roger Goodell upheld Tom Brady’s suspension. It is 100% outside my realm of thought. Completely unfathomable. Does Roger Goodell know something I don’t? Does he have a wider view of the universe than me? Are his perceptions greater than mine?

Well if that’s the question, my color blindness give’s Ms. Goodell the upper hand. But as far as the actual question goes, no. He knows about as much as I know about this situation. Here’s what I know:

Goodell and the NFL rigged this appeal process completely.

From day one, they knew what the outcome of this appeal was going to be. The 20-page appeal rejection is, to go along with what I’ve seen countless sports writers say today, a SparkNotes version of the Wells Report. Ms.Goodell has taken the Wells Report for gospel. In footnote #1, he even says that he found Ted Wells’ logic “unassailable” regarding his assertion that Walt Anderson doesn’t remember which pressure gauge he used to measure the footballs before the game. This is a theme of the 20-page document. Ms. Goodell basically reiterates time and time again, “I agree with our guy”. NOT ONCE does he give an argument to Brady’s side. He essentially put a seal of approval on the Wells Report. 100%.

Goodell, time and time again, stubbornly ignores the science presented by Tom Brady’s team. Again, he sides with his guy, because they reach the conclusion he wants to hear. There is a name for this psychological phenomenon.

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There’s a pretty mainstream name for people who regularly fall victim to this phenomenon.

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As I’m sure you know by now, the NFL went cross country and hired a company called Exponent, who’ve previously reached the groundbreaking conclusions that cigarettes are good for you and rainforests are superb dumping grounds for toxic waste. This company then told Ted Wells that the deflation of the footballs had to have been the result of tampering. This is called “pseudoscience”. Similar “pseudosciences” include alchemy, vaccine-induced autism and the 2012 apocalypse. Belief in a psuedoscience operates directly in proportion to a subject’s level of gullibility.

Belief in pseudoscience = goodell * level of gullibility.

Now let’s solve for Goodell.

goodell = belief in pseudoscience/level of gullibility

goodell = star

Unfortunately, belief in real science has nothing to with direct proportions, at least when Roger Goodell is the constant. This is why he “rejects” the findings by both AEI and Dean Snyder, all because Professor Marlow, the self-described “designated skeptic” of the Exponent trials, detailed the Exponent experiments as a “first-class piece of work”. Similarly, I detailed my jury-rigging of the internal fans on my old Xbox a “first-class piece of work”, even though it broke a month later.

The whale of a diversion here is the whole cell phone narrative.

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Because the NFL released this information first, and used the word “destroy”, everyone believed that Tom Brady maliciously destroyed his cell phone as to cover up evidence of his sin. But after Tom Brady’s statement was released on his Facebook page this morning, we’re not so sure that’s the case. He says he replaces his cell phone every four months. He says his phone is broken. He got a new one. Why shouldn’t we believe him? Is it because the NFL got to this piece of information first? And why does it matter that his assistant (if he did) destroyed the phone? It’s *more probable than not* that it’s in his job description. Tom Brady doesn’t have the time to break a cell phone every four months.

In footnote #11, Ms. Goodell says that Brady’s certified agents offered up a list of everyone he exchanged text messages with for the four months in question. Instead of just getting the phone records from those people, including text messages to and from Tom Brady, Ms. Goodell says that getting the information is “simply not practical”, because it would require too much effort.

The phrase “simply not practical” is also applicable to the 100 day, $10 million investigation regarding PSI in footballs. The axe went down on people like Ray Rice and Michael Vick pretty quick, but the PSI investigation took as long as Napoleon’s second stint as emperor of France, and cost about seven times Russell Wilson’s salary. But beyond that, how about the more than a month it took Roger Goodell to “deliberate” (which mean type the entire rejection novel) Brady’s appeal. Why due process doesn’t apply in private institutions is beyond me.

The final aspect to consider here is Roger Goodell’s upside-down comparisons and parallels he draws to other ball-tampering incidents, as well as the use of PEDs.

According to Roger Goodell:

roids     =    football

Maybe this is the whole seahorse thing again, but Roger Goodell legitimately thinks that since Tom Brady was attempting to gain an unfair advantage, he should receive the exact same punishment as players that are caught using steroids.


So this is the same thing as taking steroids. But what does Goodell have to say about the parallel being drawn to the incident last year when the Carolina Panthers were caught warming footballs with the sideline heater?

“…there was no evidence of any intentional attempt to violate or circumvent the rules, no player involvement, and no effort to conceal the ball attendant’s conduct…the ball never got into the game and the matter ‘was addressed immediately.'”

And what’s the evidence of intentional attempt here? A ball attendant having to take a piss, and bringing the balls with him so they don’t get stolen? The fact that he “could’ve use the bathroom in the officials’ locker room”? McNally comically referring to himself as “the deflator”?

So you’re telling me the ball attendant for the Carolina Panthers just accidentally left the footballs under the heaters? And that these balls weren’t going to enter the game if the opportunity arose? The only difference between this and Deflategate is the “player involvement” part, but how do we know Cam Newton didn’t instruct this? Or a coach? A ball boy going rogue is a stretch. I hope I don’t even have to mention that the Ravens pretended that the Ray Rice elevator video didn’t exist.

The Panthers situation is the same thing here. Comparing taking steroids to being generally aware of the deflation of football is like trying to draw similarities between injecting heroin and knowing that there are people who use heroin. I’m guilty then. I just don’t know as much as the seahorse king.

In Conclusion:

– Goodell rigged the appeal process

– Goodell is a believer in pseudoscience but not real science.

– Goodell is prone to psychological phenomena that indict a person as weak-minded.

– The alleged “destroyed phone” means nothing.

– There is still no evidence of tampering, just wild-minded deduction.

– Tom Brady 100% cooperated with this investigation to the best of his abilities.

– Deflating footballs is the same thing as taking steroids or beating your spouse. Keep it real, America.

I also need to point out how Bill Belichick roasted that reporter earlier today.

“It’s already been addressed” is the new “we’re on to Cincinnati”.