The power couple of the year is no more, folks. Maybe I jumped the gun on my previous post, but you can’t blame me for rooting for love to conquer everything. But now love might just be a concept, not a thing that can be truly maintained. First Avril Lavigne and the guy from Nickleback (if I named him you wouldn’t know who he was; try and tell me that you recognize the name Chad Kroeger and I’ll call you a liar) call it quits, and now Chris and Jenn? I don’t think my heart can take much more heartbreak in this calender year.
From what I’m seeing, JLo was getting upset that Chris wasn’t very committed; she wanted him to put a ring on it and Chris wasn’t buying into that just yet.
So to take this into the spin zone, Chris is coming out as the winner here.
Maybe Jennifer Lawrence is a psycho! I mean, marriage already? C’mon cuh! He just got out of a marriage! Give it time; you can’t rush that. But to boot, maybe she looks through Gwyneth Paltrow’s old Facebook posts and tries to point out how much better she is than her to Chris. I’m pretty sure she has a cat, so that could be another red flag. Maybe she got mad at him for cheating on her in a dream. Maybe Chris will ask her what’s wrong sometimes and she’ll say that she’s mad at him, “for literally no reason…You didn’t do anything bad and I dunno why I’m mad at you, but I’m mad at you.” Maybe she steals Chris’ phone when he goes to the bathroom when they’re watching a movie and looks through his text messages.
“WHY IS ‘GUY’ SENDING YOU WINKY FACES CHRIS?!?!?! HUH?!?!?!?! WHO’S ‘GUY’ A SIDE BITCH?!?!?!?!”
“Oh, that’s our bassist hun, he’s just extremely handsome and winky faces are his thing.”
But regardless, Chris has still gotta be happy with himself. Anyone not named Gwyneth is an upgrade for him, and JLo is certainly no exception. He got a chance with her, probably indulged himself and whatnot, and is now back on the market lookin’ to slay his way around town, hookin’ up lehft and right with all the gals out on his boat. Serenadin’ ’em with his instrument there, get those bewbies out and flyin’ around.
I’m also hearing that he’s been seen with this British actress Annabelle Wallis, who’s not too shabby herself.
So even after breaking up with his rebound girl, Chris Martin is still DOMINATING this divorce, which means that he’s feeling great, which in turn means A Head Full of Dreams is gonna be unreal.
PRAY FOR GWYNETH!!!! SHE’S GETTING DOMINATED!!!! POSTERIZED!!!!!!