Seriously, Who’s Beating the Pats in the AFC?

We’re now two weeks into the NFL season, and while most seasons show that the beginning of the regular season isn’t really indicative of how teams will fare in the long run…

…it’s not so far fetched to say that the Patriots have the AFC, almost, on lock.

Seriously, who’s gonna beat ’em?

The Colts, the seemingly consensus AFC preseason pick, are now 0-2 after an abysmal loss to the J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets. Andrew Luck looked awful and their run game couldn’t start up, and those two mishaps complimented their joke of a defense perfectly.

Speaking of those Jets, hey, they’re 2-0! Too bad my boy Ryan Fitzpatrick can’t do jack shit against any other team with a better D than Indy. You know why? Because he’s Ryan Fitzpatrick; must not’ve gotten the clutch/talented QB gene from his father’s side of the family. Brandon Marshall and Eric Decker make a pretty good 1-2 WR combo, but with their running game not looking too hot, a beatable defense, and Fitzy under center, the Jets will inevitably Jets everything up.

The Ravens are also at 0-2 and their D is almost as bad as Indy’s. They suck on 3rd down (6/24, yuck), have a negative turnover ratio, and have shown huge signs of weaknesses on both sides of the ball.

The Bengals are 2-0, yeah, but call me when Andy Dalton does better than 10-6 and a wild card weekend exit. If they make it to the playoffs, you just know that they’ll limp into the #6 seed after a tough stretch. Plus, they’re so unmotivated.

Jesus Andy…

The Broncos at 2-0 and the Chiefs at 1-1 both suck offensively, generally speaking. Both have some stud weapons but not much past that. The Broncos are last in the league in terms of yards per play (averaging under 4, yikes) and the Chiefs can’t rely on Jamaal Charles forever, as much as I love him. Two solid defenses, especially Denver’s, but the offenses just aren’t enough.

Dolphins are so meh, Bills are overrated, the Raiders and Chargers have 8-8 at best written all over them, and the AFC South is just vomit everywhere.

It’s cute to see the Browns get a win and Johnny Football throw some bombs, but they’re the Browns. Travis Benjamin isn’t catching fly route darts all year long and until they figure out the QB situation (McCown is probably gonna take over again, as stupid as that sounds) and until they find a way to, you know, run the football, then it’ll be the same ol’ song and dance in Cleveland.

So that leaves the Steelers, who’s offense has just been spectacular. They get Le’Veon Bell back this week, which is huuuuuuge for them now that the three headed monster of Bell, Antonio Brown, and Big Ben will be in full force. They lead the league in total offense, and that’s without arguably the best RB in the game in their backfield.

It’s just their defense. You saw it against the Pats, and they also made Colin Kaepernick look better than he really is; you won’t see him go 33/46 for 335 yards and a couple of TD’s and no giveaways very often. They’re also lucky Carlos Hyde was taken out midway through the 3rd quarter. He could’ve done some more damage had he been in. There’s a lot of question marks on that side of the ball in Pittsburgh.

But besides the Steelers, and I’m not even too worried about them, I’m not scared of anyone else in the AFC for the Pats. I think Tom Brady and Co. can outshoot and outscore any team in the league, and I believe they’ve already proven how lethal they are. In 2007, Brady’s record breaking year, he had 6 TD’s and a pick after 2 games against the lowly Jets and San Diego Chargers.

This year, after two (supposedly) tough tests? 7 TD’s and zero INT’s against the Steelers and the Bills, a defense playing at home that some call one of the best in the league, if not the best.

And while the defense, especially the secondary, has had some lapses, they’re good enough to pass. Their two games haven’t been as close as the scoreboard makes them out to be. I think they played better than an 8 point differential against Buffalo; 8 sacks and 3 picks don’t lie. Plus, they held up against the Steelers’ explosive offense for a good chunk of the game. They’ve got an elite front seven, and McCourtey is one of the best safeties in the game today. It’s just those corners, and Malcolm Butler hasn’t looked too shabby so far as their #1 corner.

So that’s everyone, right? Is there no one else in the AFC?! IS THERE NO ONE ELSE?!?!?!?!

Look who the Patriots have to play, in terms of QB’s for the rest of the season:

Blake Bortles

Brandon Weeden

Andrew Luck (but we bully the Colts and Luck)

Ryan Fitzpatrick

Ryan Tannehill

Kirk Cousins

Eli Manning

Tyrod Taylor again

(No real funny pics of him, but there are some good PICKS from him AMIRITE?!?!?!)

Peyton “Pool Noodle Arm” Manning

Sam Bradford (who can’t complete a pass five yards past the ling of scrimmage)

Either Ryan Mallet or Brian Hoyer; whoever doesn’t fuck up as much

Marcus Mariota

mariota faceplant

Fitzpatrick again

Tannehill again

Big Ben was the toughest QB we faced, and the toughest QB we will face, aaaaand we beat him.

14-2 is not out of the question here, folks. I see them losing 2, maybe 3, games. 1 or 2 in the division and 1 against a random team.

But the point still stands: the way things are going, no one’s stopping the Pats in the AFC. No one’s shutting down a pissed off Brady, no one’s stopping Gronk period, and no one’s stepping up whatsoever.

Tom Brady will be at Super Bowl 50 no matter what, as they’re honoring all past Super Bowl MVPs for the anniversary game.

But if I were a gambling man, and knock on wood (*VICIOUSLY KNOCKS*), I’d be willing to say that it’s more likely than not that we see TB12 in a jersey at Levi’s Stadium in February, not in a suit.