I was on Twitter the day before Halloween, and I noticed I got a follow from a character named Lacey Noonan.
Had to do a double take, so I meandered over to my notifications tab to view her profile.
Turns out, she wrote “A Gronking To Remember” and its eventual sequel “A Gronking To Remember 2: Chad Goes Deep in the Neutral Zone.”
You remember the hype about “A Gronking To Remember,” right? It’s just straight Gronk erotica. A ridiculous concept, but a genius one as well.
The book blew up.
Gronk himself read it on Jimmy Kimmel’s show…
and Super Bowl Media Day…
and a fake trailer for the movie adaptation was made by “Funny or Die” with Charlotte McKinney (hey Lacey, get me in touch with her pls)…
Knowing this, I had to DM Lacey asking for an interview. Had to. “‘You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take’-Wayne Gretzky”-Michael Scott situation. Weird brag, but I’ve been followed by two other famous people: Ariana Grande and McKayla Maroney. I asked for interview on here to each of them, but no dice. Hey, at least McKayla answered!
Wedding is ASAP as possible, guys.
But I was happy to see I got a “yes” to my inquiry. I then went to work on the questions, and the fruits of that labor are posted below. I added the pictures and any italicized text, but the rest is all her via email. Enjoy!
Simply, why Gronk? Does his character, in your mind, open more doors for creativity than a guy like Tom Brady?
The short answer is that Gronk is a big slab of sexy man-meat.
The long answer is more complicated and this is a good question after all this time since the initial publication and the hullabaloo of the book. The Gronkowski who was in my mind before is definitely not the Gronkowski in my mind now. At the time when I wrote the book I wasn’t as deep into the Gronkapedia. He was just a football player with a funny name that I was hearing about all the time since my family is a Patriots family.
But something about him and his “spike” called upon my creative juices and then it all just happened. It’s probably the exact same way Homer got his fingers twiddling about Odysseus. Homer was most likely just sitting down at the town market telling stories or selling pickles and kept hearing about this Odysseus dude and was like, “I gotta write about him to understand him!”
I like being left-of-center. Tom Brady doesn’t interest me as much because he’s so well-known. And perfect, I guess. Perfection doesn’t resonate on the page as much as weirdness does.
Does the development of “A Gronking to Remember” stem from a love of sports?
To be honest, it stemmed from an exasperation with sports. I was watching too much football, losing my Sundays when I could have been writing. I figured that there had to be a reason I was watching so much football—so I searched within my soul. I think this push-and-pull is evident in the book: the love/hate thing with sports. Basically, every character in “A Gronking to Remember” is me. The irony is that now sports is my main thing. I tweet about it a lot and use a big portion of my daily brainpower thinking about it, when I was really trying to say “good-bye” to it. But they keep pulling me back in!
Gronk has been publicly supportive of the series ever since its initial release, reading the first novel on Jimmy Kimmel Live! and creating a parody trailer with Charlotte McKinney for Funny or Die. Has he approached you personally? If so, what did he say to you?
That Robbie G has embraced the book as much as he has has been nothing short of amazing. I was so naive when I started, I mean, it could have gone sour fast if he wasn’t into it. He really is cool as heck. Please add a link to his philanthropical endeavors with kids here.
But no, I’ve had no contact with him yet. It would be kind of like crossing the streams at this point, wouldn’t it? It would be dire if we met. Or would it? When they finally crossed the streams in Ghostbusters they saved the world from the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man! That’s huge. So… I don’t know???? Rob, if you’re listening, let’s go save the world together! Or not!
You’ve written many other pieces of erotica featuring people or characters who don’t necessarily fit the bill for erotica on the surface. What’s the process for selecting these subjects? How do you decide on people such as Gronk, Flo from Progressive, or an employee from Amazon? Does it just sort of pop into your brain and you get to work?
Each subject you have to take on its own terms I think. Gronk = naturally sexy. Flo, Jan & Wendy = natural sexpots. Big hairy lady Sasquatch Momma = the hottest, sexiest thing on the planet. Each subject requires its own narrative structure.
I have so many ideas every day it’s the ones that don’t leave your head that you have to do. The Amazon employee story is probably the most erotic thing I’ve ever written but no one is reading it, which is a shame. I don’t know. Maybe it’s my worst story if we’re living and dying in a capitalist society. But the first line popped into my head and I ran with it, so no regrets. If you have an actual line of prose in your head that is going to move the book up in the line of book ideas that actually get written. With Gronk, I wanted to use the language of football in a story—to infuse my prose with the potent musk of the Gronk. Same goes with Flo and the gals and the art of marketing. All the nomenclature of the different slices of our society is raw material for the poet.
When writing these stories, is it more of a steady stream of ideas coming rapidly, or is it a long process of developing details?
I have an insane amount of ideas percolating at once. It can be very loud in my brain sometimes. I have a bunch of different google docs of ideas for books and whole series of books and I think it’s in the thousands now. I just did a search for the “—” symbol in my docs, which is what I usually start new ideas with in my notes and there are more than 1,200 of them. Yipes!!!! It’s actually kind of sad and bad. The weight of what you *haven’t* written can be a burden sometimes.
I just sit there and write down my ideas for books, games, apps, movies, TV shows, whatever, when I could be actually writing them… I should probably start outsourcing to India. Hope you like your Gronk in a turban (and nothing else—MEOW)!!!!
Or were you asking about the specific stories themselves, my process of writing? Some days I obsess over a sentence, some days I can pump out 4,000 words if my mother-in-law is taking care of my baby and I have more than 20 minutes to write, which is the usual. My absolute favorite part of writing is the second and third read-throughs. That’s when you can take your raw material and really pound it into submission, tweak it, tickle it, stroke it, smoke it, poke it, smack it up, flip it and make it your witch with a capital B.
What’s the one major element of writing erotic novels that entices and interests you the most, making you come back to write more of it?
The element of surprise. That’s what brings me back. Can this surprising thing be made sexy or interesting? I believe erotic fan fiction is the art-form of our time. The publishing industry pumps out so much of the same shit. I’m not talking about crap—I’m talking about the good stuff. All of the good stuff is the same. But true garbage is where it gets interesting.
In 100 years all of this very competent, very insightful and “hauntingly beautiful” literature will be like so much belly button lint. People won’t even wipe their asses with a Jonathan Franzen or “All The Light You Cannot See” or whatever books in the future. Of course, people may not be using these books to wipe their butts because Kindles in the future will have a bidet feature…….. but don’t quote me on that—I mean, I only wrote a daring, sexy exposé about what it’s like working at Amazon, so what the hell do I know? Wink wink.
One of these days….
In “A Gronking to Remember,” the method of sexual stimulation is basically exclusive to one single act. Do you like to focus on one specific form of sex with each individual novel, or does your work reflect what you’re feeling at the time?
Total reflecting pool.
But I have a new Sasquatch erotica book coming out in the next week or so, the sequel to my book “I Don’t Care if My Best Friend’s Mom is a Sasquatch, She’s Hot and I’m Taking a Shower With Her (…Because It’s the New Millennium),” which I decided to write because Rob Delaney tweeted the cover of the first book at British Prime Minister David Cameron. So there are different impetuses for writing. Like, for instance, blowing a big load of cryptozoological erotica into David Cameron’s face like a nasty, hairy sex canon.
How supportive has your family been of these endeavors?
It ranges from somewhat supportive to confused. That’s the sweet spot, as Matthew McConaughey says in his Pulitzer Prize-winning car ads.
You’ve written two books in the “A Gronking to Remember,” so I have to ask: which one was more enjoyable to write? Which is, in your eyes, an overall better form of literature?
This is a good question. Mainly because the reception of “A Gronking to Remember 2: Chad Goes Deep in the Neutral Zone” wasn’t as great as the first—or as boisterous, I guess. When I wrote the second one I was like, “Cool! People will literally buy this at the same clip as the first book and I will double my sales. Harry Potter franchise here we come!” Which didn’t happen. In the first book I make fun of women, which garnered a lot of male readers. And in the second book I make fun of men, which my male readers probably couldn’t handle because when it comes down to it, they’re weak in their man-vaginas.
I suppose I could have titled Book 2 better. I mean, it’s all about how Gronk is a great blocker, it’s about his blocking and his teamsmanship—not just about how he’s a touchdown machine. What could be sexier than that?
But I have to say that the second book is a richer, more complex literary experience than the first and was more fun to write. Which, I’m discovering, is exactly what people don’t want. The first book is such a pure, single-ingredient thing. Like a monoculture. But single malts are better than blended whiskeys right? The first one is like one of those once-in-a-lifetime grooves you hear about, from golfers or bass players, like: “I couldn’t miss!” or “My bass groove that day was undeniable and silky smooth.” You just hope you can recapture that magic again.
I will tell you this. I wrote Book #2 at the height of the hysteria last January and I was suffering from the worst migraines I’ve ever had, so that might be why the book is overcooked. I actually wrote the second book without looking at my monitor, like I was taking dictation or something. I probably should have slowed down and let the brain-pain pass, but people were clamoring for a sequel so I pushed through, my eyes and brain on fire the whole time. I was on bed rest in the dark for all of February. Talk about suffering for your (dumb) art!
What’s the future of the series? Should we be expecting a 3rd novel to make an epic trilogy?
I have the next eight books plotted out, which is probably unbelievable to hear, but I haven’t thought about it in a while, so I’ll have to reassess… I’ll have to go back over my notes. I think one of those eight books was just Chad hanging out at Dunkin Donuts reading his New England Patriots-infused poetry over coffee and crullers when he stops there on the way from his sex dungeon to Leigh’s house in the second book, so now maybe it’s only 7? What is that, a Septology? Sevenology? Gronkology?
I kind of obsess about plots, to the detriment of my productivity. I lost the entire summer not writing, but plotting out my Dad Bod series (and raising my son) after I wrote the first book on a whim. There’s only one book out now, “Seduced by the Dad Bod” in the “Chill Dad Summer Heat Series” but I have the next 25 books plotted out in the series, Ripley’s Believe It or Not, but which is surely a clear marker of insanity. It will be worth it though, I promise. S’gonna be nuts!!! DAD NUTS.
But the idea I have for the third Gronk book is definitely hot and it’s there ready to go in my mind. So there will three at least—that I will say.
Besides Gronk, give your top three athletes who would be a terrific subject for your next novel.
What’s the one piece of advice you’d give to anyone aspiring to write creative stories like yours?
Comfort zones are for stepping out of, like wet clothes.
So thank you Lacey!! Her link to her Twitter is up top where I first mentioned it; she’s a solid follow. Didn’t know I had to follow the author of “A Gronking To Remember” until I experienced it first hand. Here’s a link to her Amazon page as well, so check out what else she has to offer.