Listen: I love my life. I’ve got a part time job stocking stews at a liquor store back in Q-town, another summer job which involves chillin’ with 10-12 year olds all day running around and shit, and I ref flag football games at UMass which is far better than most on-campus gigs. I write blogs that are sometimes viewed by people outside of my circle of family and friends. I’m not addicted to heroin. Or meth. Or any drugs. So in my book, it’s all good baby baabaaaaay.
But with that said, there’s no doubt that when given the chance I would trade lives with some lucky motherfuckers out there.
Guys low key do this a lot. They talk about who they would trade lives with, who they envy, who they have man crushes on, etc. It’s a question I’ve pondered many-a-times when lecture’s going by very slowly.
And because it’s the Pats bye week and it’s a slow blog day, I figured I should finally set this in stone. Not too much explanation needed here; I’m ranking which guys I’d trade lives with. Skills, money, whatever it may be will be taken into account here.
10. Any NFL Backup QB
Kinda cheating here picking a group of people as compared to one specific person, but it’s my post so I make the rules. In terms of the ratio between salary to work put in, backup QB has to be one of the best job ever. You stand on the sideline, wear a headset, hold a clipboard, and get paid to watch a football game. And the best part? If the starting QB goes down, your expectations aren’t that high. Like who was expecting Mike Vick to tear it up after Big Ben got injured earlier this year? Kellen Moore? Austin Davis? Low risk, high reward city. Some backup quarterbacks have even gone on to get huuuuuge paydays (Matt Cassel lead a team to an 11-5 record and got a dream contract, Matt Flynn had like 2 dream games with the Packers in 2012, got $20 million from Seattle the following offseason, and was never the starter) and have been alone for some championship runs (again, Matt Cassel went to a Super Bowl as a backup and Matt Flynn has a ring from Super Bowl XLV). Not a bad gig if you ask me. I think I’d like to be any backup besides Brandon Weeden, because, y’know, it is Brandon Weeden.
9. Jimmy Buffet
Is this a surprising pick? Sure. But is it one that makes sense? I think so.
Think about it: Jimmy Buffet hasn’t made a hit song in about 30 years. Last time he was on the Billboard Hot 100, it was in 2004 on a Hank Williams cover song with Kenny Chesney, Toby Keith, George Strait, Alan Jackson, and Clint Black by his side. And to boot, that only peaked at #63. So yeah, he hasn’t had a hit in a while. Most artists with a recent history like that would fade into irrelevancy, but not Jimmy. God bless this guy, because every summer he rolls out the same concert tour and sings the same songs to the same Parrot Heads. He sings “Fins,” Cheeseburger in Paradise,” “Volcano,” etc. in a bunch of different cities over a few months and has a blast, then proceeds to sit on the beach in the winter in Margaritaville and counts all of his money from the tour. THAT is the life. He’s got a great level of celebrity: just popular enough that everyone knows your name, but not big enough anymore that people are following your every move. His age is a big factor that knocks him down, but Jimmy Buffet is a sneaky pick here.
8. Mark Whalberg
Marky Mark gets a free pass to do whatever the fuck he wants in the Boston area; that’s awesome, especially considering his troubled past. If you don’t know it, look it up. He’s a versatile guy: rapper, actor, and philanthropist (well, again, not always, but now he is). Sharp, big, physical guy with a solid sense of humor. Seems like a guy I’d rate higher, right? Well, what makes me put him at 8 is simply the competition he’s going against. He’s good at multiple things, but just not great at any of them. There’s better musicians coming up, better actors, and sharper dudes. It’s nothing really against Mark, it’s just that someone has to be #8 and some people have to be knocked down a peg. He’s always been a dude who I’ve thought about switching lives with, but never a prime choice. Nevertheless, “Good Vibrations” is a jam and anyone who disagrees has zero clue what they’re talking about.
EVERYBODY loves Shaq, right? I haven’t met one person who doesn’t love the guy. He’s hilarious, he’s a basketball legend, and he’s just a savage.
Shaq is a guy who, like Marky Mark, gets a free pass to do pretty much whatever he wants, because who’s gonna rip on The Big Aristotle?! The one thing that knocks him down a peg, and a big peg at that, is his movie career. I mean, it’s so abysmal that there’s a Cards Against Humanity card on it. Also, his TV show Shaq Vs. was comically bad. People don’t forget, Shaq. That’s the one thing you can really judge Shaq on. Other than that, he’s A-OK in everybody’s book and a terrific person to switch lives with. But the whole TV and movie thing is too much to overlook.
At least he’s got a rap career to help him out, right?
Maybe not. Oh whale. I guess he can always resort to being a Murshaq.
6. Mike Trout
Just 24 years old, sharp, has a lot of money and will continue to get a lot of money for a while, and really good at baseball. Like, better than most people. The power of Wily Mo, the pure contact skill of Bill Mueller vs. Mariano Rivera, the hose of Vladdy Guerrero, the speed is Ricky Henderson, and the glove of Jim Edmonds. Some of those were sorta sarcastic comparisons (not the Wily Mo one) but he truly is the definition of a five-tool player. Skill from top to bottom and by far the best overall player in the game. With a bright future ahead of him, it ain’t bad being #27.
Probably at least a top 3 pick for many people, and it’s not hard to understand why. Big, fast, strong, above average at a popular sport, rich, funny, loveable, and parties 24/7/365 with absolute smokes. Seems like a top pick, no? Well, every hero needs a tragic flaw, and Gronk is no exception. I love the dude, but my GOD he’s so fucking stupid.
That laugh at the end is gold.
Like it’s gotta be awesome to go through life just focused on football, booze, boobs, and the number 69, but I can’t walk through this world that stupid. They say ignorance is bliss, but I need at least something upstairs in order to be content. Still a top pick, but not
elite Joe Flacco level.
4. Channing Tatum
It’s gotta be awesome knowing that literally no one hates you. Some of the next few picks reflect that idea.
Channing Tatum’s funny, a pretty solid actor, a naaaasty dancer, and is absolutely lucky to have a smokeshow on lock.
See that? That’s a pretty solid power couple. Both are very talented and very good looking people. Darwinism at its finest (if Darwinism is the right word).
Channing might be even higher for some people, but despite his many talents, he’s never been as high on my list as some other dudes. Nothing against him; he’s great. But a few other guys have the “it” factor to an even greater degree. Like…
3. Leonardo DiCaprio
Leo’s a bit on the older side, but so what?! That’s what makes him so special. His legend has grown exponentially with age. Still on #TeamHandsome and a wayyyyyy better actor nowadays, Leo is showing no signs of slowing down. Dude could go up to any chick he wanted and just take their breath away. Didn’t someone kill themselves a short time after Leo was getting close with their wife? I mean, I wouldn’t want that on my conscience but you have to admit that speaks to his abilities as a charmer (again, if that’s the right word). Hell, he might finally win an Oscar! That’s his one drawback: dude isn’t a winner when it comes down to it.
“And the Oscar for Best Actor goes to….THE BEAR!!!!”
2. Justin Timberlake
Forever and always one of my biggest man crushes. I kept mentioning guys who were talented at a lot of different things. JT is basically the king of being multi-talented.
Acting in Oscar nominated films, owing the part of one of your hometown sports teams (Memphis Grizzlies; dude also isn’t a bandwagon bitch) and has a HOF girl–Jessica Biel–on lock? Check, check, and check.
This man can pretty much do no wrong in my book. However, although he starred in the movie Alpha Dog, he isn’t this list’s alpha male.
1. Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr.
If you’ve made it this far expecting something different, welp, sorry for not surprising you.
Guys on this list have won Grammys, been nominated for Oscars, and have made millions by being entertaining in many different ways…
…but have any of them won 4 Super Bowls (hopefully 5 if you’re reading this after SB50)? Have any of them established themselves as the greatest at their profession? Have any of them been recognized as a certified assassin, stud, and hero?
A lot of the people I mentioned in spots 10-2 are universally well liked guys. Brady? Not so much. He has a lot of haters. But more often than not this sunnuvabitch proves them all wrong. He’s tough, always gets back up when he’s knocked down, and never surrenders.
Make no mistake: Tom Brady is living the American dream. He’s a self made, new money man. Drafted late in the annual NFL selection meeting, working his way up to a starter, and developing into a once-in-a-lifetime player is something anyone would dream of doing. Coming up clutch when it counts, motivating teammates and fans alike, dominating foes, and riding off into the sunset with a living supermodel wife and genetically perfect kids is icing onto this sweet, delicious, and extravagant cake. It’s the true embodiment of our nation’s spirit, and despite everyone who tries to bring him down, he stays true to what and who he knows and loves best. Also, he’s given us some amazing sound bites.
As the late great Hannah Montana once said, “Nobody’s perfect.”
But TB12 is as close as it gets. And that’s why he’s the #1 guy I would trade lives with.