College Pizza in Amherst Is Losing Its Food Establishment License Because, Basically, A Worker There Did Everything You Can’t Do At A Food Establishment

Well, talk about a classic case of miscommunication! Basically, the Fam Bros. of Basem and Mishu are not on the same page. We’ve got one on page 72, another on page 347. Mishu’s reaction to all these HENIOUS and BLATANT health violations has to be similar to a George Costanza defense.

The real meat (pun not originally intended but totally intended once I realized it) of this story is as follows:

“Federman said that police footage recorded in November 2014 showed Mishu Fam preparing a sandwich while practically naked, appearing to touch his penis twice before touching the sandwich again. The police footage also appeared to show Mishu taking off a condom and dropping it on the floor, urinating in the kitchen sink, smoking a cigarette in the kitchen and dropping a utensil on the floor before picking it up and continuing to cook with it.

The police also reported finding a bed, sex toys, marijuana and alcohol in a small room behind the counter in College Pizza. ‘The public health side was pretty egregious,’ said John Tobiason, a member of the Board of Health. ‘It’s shocking to me that you would not have made clear to your manager that Mishu could not come to the store.'”

YYYYYYYYYYIKES!!!! Sex toys, dick pizzas, naked people, oh my!

Jesus Christ, Mishu. Have some restraint, for the love of Subbaswamy. I mean, yeah, you can have a quick pee in the sink here and a dropped knife to make a sub there, and maybe even a smidgen of unsanitized hands to make pizza on special occasions. But you can’t make that a regular habit. Yeah, we’ve all been in a situation of having a condom on at work and forgetting all about it. And yeah, we’ve all contemplated taking off our pants in the middle of the office/restaurant/wherever and dropping it on the floor and leaving it for whoever the unfortunate soul is to pick up. But we never go through with it. It’s like thinking about quiting your job on an 8 hour Saturday morning shift by screaming at your boss and storming out: we honestly think about going through with it and all of the logistics of the consequences, but we don’t end up pulling the trigger.

College Pizza’s slogan has to be “Snake It Till You Make It,” no? Get dirty or die trying. This is the ultimate FU to anyone who’s ever come through, and Mishu wasn’t even being discreet about it whatsoever. “Yup, I’m here by myself, camera’s on me at a food establishment, and I’m gonna violate every single health code I can think of. You can’t do anything about it. I’m invincible!” Just imagine him thinking that while taking one vicious drag of an unfiltered Marlboro Red, which by process of elimination has to be the most sanitary and healthy thing in the building.

This raises a vital hypothetical question, though: How far are you able to go to get food that you crave? Say College Pizza does eventually get their food license back. If you’re craving a pepper and onion pizza (personally I’m not a fan) more than you crave the air that you breathe, and College Pizza is the *only* place open at the time, do you order it? I mean, yeah, you get that pizza that would make you so happy that you could die, buuuuuuuut there’s a slim yet very real possibility that someone’s pecker touch any given part of that pie. And what if it was during this entire Mishu fiasco? If you knew that dirty food was a possibility, but not a guarantee, would you roll the dice? It’s easy to say no right now, but when it’s Saturday night and you’re with your friends, and you want nothing more in this world than a buff chick calzone, you may stoop down to new levels that you didn’t think existed.

I ordered a steak and cheese from College Pizza last year when studying for finals. Pretty solid, especially since I was craving it. In hindsight, maybe there was a chance of me contracting an STD from the sub. But I didn’t. And that sub undoubtedly helped me get a passing grade in calc.

Was it worth it? You be the judge.