Fitzy’s 2016 Academy Awards Live Blog: Reactions As It All Happened

NOTE: This was all written before and during the Oscars. This is my solution to not completely blowing up Twitter, and it’s a peak inside my beautiful dark twisted fantasy mind.

It’s year #2 for me here at Stitched Up Inc., LLC, and the overarching goal of #pageview #pageviews #pageviews is always in sight. I consider myself a progressive guy in terms of blogging (politics, too; I don’t hate the gays) but this Sunday, February 28th, 2016, I gotta go back to my roots.

How so?

Oscars live blog, motherfuckers!

If you’ve been A1 since Day 1/unfortunate enough to see me on Facebook or Twitter–@BfitzP17 if you didnt know–you know that last year on Oscars Sunday I wrote down my reactions to the show as it all happened and turned it into one mega blawg post.

Last year, I only saw a few of the films up for awards. I didn’t think I could’ve regressed the following year, buuuuutttttt here I am. I’ve seen even less this year.

I’ve only seen one movie up for Best Picture: The Big Short. That was wicked, wicked good. It somehow made the 2008 Housing Crisis interesting to learn about! Having Margot Robbie explain the dirty works of Wall Street assholes in a bubble bath sippin’ on some bubbly will forever and always be A-OK in my book.

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The Duchess ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

So naturally, I can only speak on behalf of The Big Short. I’ll make my major picks based on basically what I’ve seen from other people’s predictions because I’m a sheep, so take these with a grain of salt.

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

I’ll go with Big Short since it was written really well, but I could also see The Martian winning. Gotta be Adam McKay’s uncharacteristicly dramatic movie, though.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

Inside Out. No doubt. Another Pixas masterpiece. Yuuuuge RIP Bing Bong 2015-2015. Pour one out for the dead homie.

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BEST DIRECTOR

I’ll shoot Mad Max: Fury Road some love here and give it to George Miller. I was originally gonna say Alejandro G. Iñárritu for The Revenant, but making an action movie into a bonafide Best Picture threat takes a lot. That movie looked really good and according to our resident movie guy, Nudes, it’s fantastic.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Let’s go with The Hateful Eight‘s Jennifer Jason Leigh. Again, that’s another movie I wanna see. Maybe Regina George will win for Spotlight, but I doubt it. Stop trying to make Oscars happen! It’s NOT going to happen!

 

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Christian Bale, per usual, was fucking phenomenal in The Big Short, but Tom Hardy’s getting a lot of love for his work in The Revenant. People are saying he’s better than Leo in that. So, Hardy. Maybe Rocky will pull out one more upset!

BEST LEADING ACTRESS

JLOOOOO!!!!! Didn’t get to see Joy, which is a shame since I love me some David O. Russell. But gimme Jennifer Lawrence since I don’t know any of the other candidates besides Cate Blanchett.

BEST LEADING ACTOR

Who else? Leo. It’s a stacked year, so s/o to Cranston, Fassbender, Redmayne, and MMMMMAATTTTTTT DAAAAAMONNNN, but the legend will finally get his Oscar.

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Of course, I’ll be bringing y’all the best moments from the night. Tweets, my reactions, memes, the works.

And I would be remissive if I didn’t keep you posted on how MLB pitcher John Axford is doing. He started off last year, like 12/12 or some shit, and only had a handful of picks wrong. Me, on the other hand, got one of my major predictions right. Things at this point can really only get better.

So, let’s fire it up! OSCARS 2K16: FEEL THE EXCITEMENT!!

-Great tweet right off the bat from Barstool Trent

-I need JLo. I need Daisy Ridley. I need Kate Mara. I need Anna Kendrick. I need all those women in my life.

-I’m sure Chris Rock is gonna be awesome, but nothing tops Seth Macfarlane a few years ago.

-“So here’s a montage of every movie, including the ones that sucked!”-ABC

-Aaaaaaaand the first joke is a race joke. Aaaaaaaand the second. Aaaaaaaaaaand the third. What else did I expect?

-Chris Rock is in his fucking FIFTIES dude. He looks 34!

-I understand the #OscarsSoWhite thing in terms of the industry as a whole. Like, “Gods of Egypt”starring a shitton of white guys? That doesn’t make sense.

-CHRIS ROCK MAKING HOLLYWOOD HARDOS CRINGE!!

-I don’t think Chris Rock is gonna be invited here anymore.

-Paul Giamati STAND UP!!!!

-WOWWWWWW THE RAY CHARLES JOKE WOWWWWWWWW

-“Everything’s not about race,” says the guy who’s been talking about race throughout the whole monologue. But hey, it’s an important conversation.

-This is a straight 10/10!!!!!!!

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

-Charlize Theron saying she thinks someone’s extremely hot, and that someone unfortunately is not me.

-I heard Ex Machina was really good. Don’t know why it didn’t get more award traction.

-Aaaaaaand the Oscars are heartless. Spotlight  wins, 0/1. Acceptance speech sucks but it said Boston, so it gets bumped up to a 4/10.

-BITTERSWEET SYMPHONY PLAYED BY A SYMPHONY!

BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

-Hey, Russell Crowe!

-Ryan Gosling: underrated savage

-ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED BY SCREENPLAY AWARDS?!?! ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!?! IS THIS NOT WHY YOU ARE HERE?!?!?!?!

-Ayyyeeee first correct pick! Big Short wins, 1/2 on picks. Big chirp from Adam McKay, savage chirp at Hillary, 7/10 acceptance speech. FUCK YOU HILLARY!!!!

-More race jokes!

-Tracy Morgan is hilarious, but isn’t he a homophobe?

-Stacey Dash, bold as fuck.

-Can we declare if Sarah Silverman is hot or not once and for all? Please? Or a good comedian? Like there’s some funny stuff coming out of her mouth but it’s always about sex. I dunno.

-Quick reminder that Sam Smith looks like Pepe Frog.

-Didn’t think Superman’s voice was similar to someone with peanut butter stuck in his throat.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

-I got around to seeing Whiplash after last year’s Oscars. Holy. Fucking. Shit. It was incredible. Kinda got disrespected. JK Simmons was unreal.

Alicia Vikander1/3 on picks. She’s a beaut; looks like a tan, brunette Reese Witherspoon.

-“Aaaand we’re black” ROCK CAN’T STOP WON’T STOP!

-Here comes the clothing awards. If anything big happens, I’ll make a note of it. Until then, I’ll work on homework.

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-MARGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTT!!!!

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-The Bear’s still gonna beat Leo for Best Actor

-HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS IN 2014?!?!?!?!

-SUGE KNIGHT JOKE! WE GOT A SUGE KNIGHT JOKE!!!!

-If Star Wars wins can Baesy accept the award?

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-More black jokes!

-NEVER FORGET SHARK TALE!!!! The poor man’s Finding Nemo.

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-ABC has a lot of CBS-y shows. Who watches Quantico?

-Typical Buzzfeed. Read here.

Star Wars has Daisy’s awesome British accent sooooo they should’ve won a sound award.

-NO NO NO NO NO FUCK NO NO MINIONS GET OFF THE TV RIGHT FUCKING NOW

-ALSO THAT’S NOT TOM HANKS VOICING WOODY WOW FUCK THIS

Inside Out should’ve been nominated for Best Picture. There, I said it #hottaekz

-The Weeknd’s hair: still can’t get over it. Imagine his bed head…

-More race stuff! 2016, folks!

-It was funny, but that sketch was a bit dragged out. Like, it was too long; I’m not a butthurt white guy, I was just like, “OK, let’s get to Leo.”

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Remember when Patricia Arquette won last year?

-Mark Ruffalo reppin’ the #journalists

-If Sly pulls this out…..

-…….huh? Tbh I’ve never heard of Mark Rylance, but he wins. 1/4 on picks. I’m struggling yet again! 1/10 on acceptance speech since I wasn’t paying attention.

-The Stallone speech would’ve been unreal; I think we all got robbed.

-LOUIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! SWEAR! SWEAR! SWEAR! SWEAR! SWEAR! SWEAR!

-Tremendous point about documentaries; typical Louie spittin’ knowledge. He’s a top 3 comedian right now, up there with Bill Burr.

-Almost believed Louie at first; Mad Max has been cleaning up in the non-acting awards.

-WEEEEEIRDDDD BRAAAAAAG! “Now I have 2!” Relax.

-More politics getting cut off by music, great progress.

-DAISYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She’s a genuine beautiful woman and probably a Jedi, so she can have me.

-Awwwwwww kid doesn’t know where to staaaaaaand!

-Complete swing and a miss on that child labor bit.

-However, I kinda dig the Girl Scout Cookies thing. Wish I was there to snag some Thin Mints.

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-The President of the Academy is up now and she just spoke for like 5 minutes. I completely zoned out; no idea what she just said. Useless AF.

-RIP to the people in the In Memorial segment. Loooooove Dave Grohl playing “Blackbird.” I bet Andersen did too.

-This seven year old kid about to get with EVERY single chick at the after parties.

-¡SoFEEEEEEEAH VeGARRRRRRRRRRa! She’s like a fine wine; gets better with age.

-Uncle Joe better announce to run RIGHT NOW.

-FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. Went from a potential US Presidential campaign announcement to another random Lady Gaga preformance.

-Officially bored. I made it this far. I know we’re close, but still.

-Pharrell is another guy that looks like he’s 20 but is twice that. Dude’s 42!

-Typical Tarentino movie with great music. However, John Williams’ score in The Force Awakens was amazing as well. Everything Williams touches becomes liquid gold.

-Good for Sam Hunt…..but Radiohead’s song was better.

-I love Ali G, but still: Borat’s the GOAT of all time.

-Also, Olivia Wilde……….wow. Jason Sudekis you lucky SOB.

-Wait….Brooklyn is about Irish people?! FOOHKIN RIGHT M8!!!!

BEST DIRECTOR

-Finally: another big award!

-Imagine if Adam McKay wins again…..

-Nope. No McKay. No Miller. Again, for the second year in a row, it’s Alejandro G. Iñárritu. 1/5 on picks.

-LOVE him basically telling the orchestra to fuck off; 8/10 speech.

BEST LEADING ACTRESS

-I picked JLaw–and I am sticking with that–but Brie Lawson looks reeeeeeeally good. Room looks phenomenal.

-Well, what did I just say? Brie Larson gets the W; 1/6 on picks. I suck. 5/10 speech; very pedestrian but crisp.

BEST LEADING ACTOR

-If Leo doesn’t win here, he never will.

-BANG BANG!!!! IT’S LEO!!!! 2/7!!!!! 11/10 SPEECH! SAVE THE PLANET!!!! PRAY FOR THE WOMEN!!!!! THEY’RE GETTIN’ SLAYED TONIGHT!!!!

BEST PICTURE

-Ha, now not as many people care since Leo won.

-Still mad at Morgan Freeman for the Hillary endorsement.

-Big win for journalism! I really wanna see your winner, SpotlightI fall to 2/8 but it’s an improvement for last year!

-Anotha fahkin’ win for Beantown baby! Even if it is about Fahtha Jawhn touchin’ some kheds, we’re numbah 1 loozah!

-Bill Maher, 10/10 tweet my man. He can be a bit pretentious or annoying at times, but at other times he’s spot on. Obligatory plug for an old post.

So what did we learn? 1, movies rule. 2, the world has a lot of issues. 3, these rich celebrities want to tell us all about them. 4th, they’ll do it in a ceremony that’s waaayyyyyyyyyy too long. And 5th, Leo is a SAVAGE.

So another Oscars has come and gone, and now I have to start watching the movies I missed this year.

Might as well start with Spotlight.