DISCLAIMER: This bill hasn’t passed yet, but let’s be real: Quincy, whether or not this gets passed, will be calling itself “America’s Most Patriotic City” until the end of time. So in a way, it’s official no matter what.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORN IN THE Q-Z-Y! I WAS, BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORN IN THE Q-Z-Y!
It’s about time that Quincy got its due dilligence when it comes to legal recognition of its patriotism. God’s Country is now also trying to become America’s City.
Now granted, some might say that there could be a bit more legitimacy behind the legal bill that names Quincy America’s Most Patriotic City. It was drafted in the Massachusetts State House, so there’s a lot of other cities and towns nationwide–probably with less frightening public transportation stations–that might wanna argue this claim. Philadelphia certainly has an argument. Boston, the big city that Quincy is a part of (depending on who you ask), does too. Plus, the guy who led the charge on this, Representative Bruce Ayers, is, “…a Quincy guy, born and raised.” So, maybe there’s some bias.
But let’s cut the shit.
How many presidents were born in Philly, huh?! How ’bout Boston?!?!?!?! BOOM! Trump (Sad!) card has been played bitches! Doesn’t matter if Quincy continuously talks about the two extremely-mediocre-at-best presidents that were born within its borders like Yankees fans talk about the Bronx Bombers of the 1940’s, it still makes us more patriotic than you. We’ve got a day off in order to getting blackout drunk and stay away from the creepy street vendors during the parade for Flag Day. Flag Day! Dedham’s cool since they do it with us, but our patriotism oozes everywhere. You can tell with the giant ass flag held up by two firetrucks. To quote another great American patriot, Eric Church, “That’s damn rock ‘n’ roll.”
It’s not enough to celebrate just the basic holidays like all those other, not-as-patriotic cities. 4th of July, Memorial Day, Veterans Day, Presidents Day, Tom Brady’s Birthday, all those are nice and all but they don’t scratch our itch.
And some could call Representative Ayers’ charge on a bill that will persumably last no longer than 25 seconds on the State House floor biased, but I call it objective. He knew about all those aformentioned things and realized he had to put the symbolic crown of patriotism on the most worthy symbolic head.
If this passes, Mayor Koch better be thanking his lucky stars and throwing roses at this guy’s feet; he just got a free pass for the rest of his tenure in office. He might not be able to start the rebuilding of Quincy Center until 5132, he might have a huge drug crisis on his hands, he might have voted against marriage equality in the past, and he might be running a city with crumbling infastructure, but goddamnit he was the mayor when Quincy won possibly the biggest accolade it could ever win! “What’s that? Our city is a shell of its former self? I can’t hear you because MY RING’S MAKING TOO MUCH NOISE!!!! Scoreboard mofos!!!!”
Ayers stated that he wants people to “rediscover” Quincy as a tourist city. That’s great! In fact, if he doesn’t mind, consider this post on an extremely amateur and casual blog run by a college sophomore my official application to create the tourism commercial for Quincy. You know those commercials, right? The ones that say stuff like”Visit Tampa: We promise we’re not in that part of Florida!” or “Why should you come to Vegas? You know exactly why!”
It’s gonna be a straightforward ad. No nonsense. To the point. That’s the American way; I would know because I’m from the most patriotic city in America.
Obviously, this is the background music.
Sorry for no playback on here, but let’s be honest: this song is so awesome that you’re gonna be listening on YouTube on another tab regardless.
As the chorus is being sung, someone–ideally the Fox NFL voiceover guy, Hulk Hogan, Lil’ Jon, or Flavor Flav; I’ll let the city specifically choose one of the four–says:
“WHY SHOULD YOU VISIT QUINCY MASSACHUSETTS?!?!?!”
And then the following images are shown, the OG things in the song are replaced with Quincy-based things. Naturally, they’re eachfollowed by a “FUCK YEAH!”
“FAMOUS DEAD PEOPLE!”
“THE USS SALEM!”
“THE ORIGINAL DUNKS!”
“THE BLUE HILLS!”
“THE RED LINE!”
“STOP AND SHOP HQ!”
“ADAMS PLAZA!” (Instead of “FUCK YEAH!” it’s “RIP!”)
“EAST MILTON!” (“FUCK NO!”)
This is immediately followed by Charlie Kelly singing “Rock, Flag, and Eagle” in front of explosions and fireworks.
Hey Quincy: this idea’s for free, but the next one’s gonna cost ya.
Featured image courtest of The Quincy Sun.