Calling BS On This Kid’s “Paintball-Related” Liver Injury

There aren’t enough O’s in the word “BULLSHIT” to properly call this story what it is. Let’s just say I’ve produced an excuse to cover up high school alcohol consumption or two in my days (not that coming home covered in Sharpie penises the morning after my prom was a dead give away or anything) and I grew up with someone who was the sultan of tall tales orchestrated to cover up dumb shit.

Now before we proceed, anyone who actually clicked that link knows that the story presented isn’t full-blown Mike Mularky. But I for one feel it would be reckless to not at least take a crack at this one.

“…doctors in England say they have the first known case of a paintball pellet resulting in a different type of injury: liver damage.

In a report published in The BMJ, doctors describe the case of an 18-year-old who was admitted to a hospital with symptoms that looked like appendicitis. He was taken in for emergency surgery. However, upon closer inspection of his abdomen, the surgeons found extensive internal bleeding coming from the liver.

His abdomen was opened with a larger incision and treatment was applied locally to stop the bleeding.

After the operation, he told doctors he had participated in a paintball game a couple of days prior and was hit in the area, although no bruising appeared.

‘This represents the first report of paintball related traumatic liver injury,’ the doctors wrote in the report.”

Now what this 18-year old is doing is very similar to the plot of The Dark Knight Rises. He told a lie, and now he’s in too deep. Not only is he full of shit, but he’s knee deep in it too. A friend of mine once made fun of a strange kid (as a former and current “strange kid” I feel qualified to make that determination) on the bus in middle school. Said strange kid tossed a Falcon punch at my friend, who came out of the situation with a black eye. What did he tell his parents? That he tripped and hit his eye socket on the corner of a table.

That’s the route I’m taking on paintball-induced liver damage. This kid,  was RAGING. He probably took a shot, sent a second one down after it, a third as a sidekick, a fourth to explain to shots 1-3 that they needed to get out of his system fast, a fifth to reiterate the plan, a sixth to be more blunt and use less words and a seventh for moral support. Probably in less than 10 minutes.

“The doctors noted that organ injuries involving paintballing have been reported three times before, and that those patients had required operations to treat damage to the kidney, penis, and scrotum.”

If this story turns out to be true, at least its not the worst that could’ve happened. You here of people getting going to rub their eye and getting hit with a paintball and going blind, but how often do you here of someone going to rub their nuts and taking a paintball to the ankle spanker? Some heroes die on the battlefield.