While I wasn’t going for fierce journalism or tackling the big story no one before me has had the courage to (even though apparently nobody did), I’ve been told apparently it was a water balloon (although the coffee fact has been disputed in the comments sectionP. Nevertheless, an arrest was made and news is news. I didn’t dig and reveal any information that everyone didn’t already know (but had I, it’s still news). But let’s be honest, this is a mess around blog that not even I take seriously and what did or did not happen is not what I ultimately decide to ramble about.
I’m not going to speculate here, because the only reason short of slipping a phone call to Mr. Gunther himself why I was even able to finally get this up was the fact that my mom mysteriously acquired photo evidence of the aftermath.
Like everyone on CNN, I’m going to say I’m not going to speculate and then immediately speculate. What I’ve been told is that two girls had a gripe with some other girl (all from MHS, go Rams) so they dumped coffee over her head and threw her into a window. I don’t know what it stemmed from, but “girl fight” may not be the best way to describe this. This is more like inner city Powder Puff Football level, which are attended by gargantuan congregations of males because A. The girls throw down because there’s no refs and B. One of their shirts might get pulled off (check that photo up top). I don’t know anything about these girls, their names and I don’t even dare go near their pronouns because that is a slippery slope in 2016.
What I do know is that this entire situation undoubtedly derives from the lack of a Marylou’s across the street. Because if there’s one thing I know, and any female reading this will definitely agree with me on this one, is that they wouldn’t sacrifice a Marylou’s coffee if it meant it would be dumped over the head of Judas, Hitler, or Ms. Last – whom polls show are three of the most hated people of all time. No matter what the beef, nothing is so scandalous that it means wasting away what Columbian’s pride themselves on exporting so that everyone forgets they’re not the world’s leading cocaine exporters.
Not only does this stem from that, but also because this town sucks more than Michelle Obama shutting down the old Snack Shack back in 2012 any time it’s under 60 degrees or I can’t see the sun. Everyone knows this directly results food runs/circuits such as this, and is exemplified by the fact that the local paper runs a column every week called “5 Things To Do In Marshfield This Week,” one of which from today is, “Get informed and have fun at the Elks Drug Awareness Day,” as if anyone who’s not 9 and being forced to attend by their elementary school or their parents would want to go listen to a bunch of elks advance the war on drugs even further by telling them anyone who’s ever seen a drug should be behind bars. I think you’d be better off reading my thoughts here, which is informative AND fun if you want to develop a delusional psyche that doesn’t get you laid.
Moral of the story: don’t deny blood thirsty teenage girls of their Marylou’s.
Why was I never told that the Mariner links to this blog? Discovered that about 10 minutes ago.