*QUICKLY CHECKS TO BOOK A HOTEL IN NYC FOR PREMIER NIGHT*
Monopoly has taken over my life. I’m Stu Pickles.
What started as a random conversation about the Hasbro board game with one of my buds one day has turned into a new tradition in Quincy within my friend group. Monopoly has come in hot like the meteor that piece’d the dinosaurs, and it shows no signs of slowin’ down. I’ve only got one W this summer, but it’s the chase that keeps me coming back. I’m addicted to trying to screw over my loved ones via paper money and plastic buildings.
So when I heard the news about Monopoly coming to Broadway, I instantly lost it. Monopoly on Broadway?!?! YAY CAPITALISM!!!!
But then I thought: What would the plot be? Will it be similar to the game in the sense that you can easily predict the final outcome before the halfway point of the play? Will we know which character will be victorious in the end by the time intermission rolls around? Predictability in a play is not a good idea for business, like giving up two red properties to complete the Meditteranean/Baltic monopoly with only $150 bucks in the bank isn’t a good idea. Then again, if you’ve only got $150 in the bank, then maybe there were other, bigger issues in your game. I digress.
To solve this issue, I wanna give my own idea of what the plot would be. Who the characters are, what their story is, etc.
So here we go. My vision of Monopoly: The Musical.
-Start with a big opening number. This can be an original song about how communism sucks and you have to either get rich or die tryin’…….on second thought, maybe we could use a 50 Cent song here? I’ll let the Broadway big whigs make that decision; I gotta meet them halfway. Maybe it can just be an overture. Regardless, paper 500 dollar bills shoot out like confetti upon the audience, and Mr. Monopoly does the can-can with a bunch of Deal Or No Deal-esque women.
-The set suddenly changes to show a young man named Craig (Leonardo DiCaprio; I don’t care if he’s fourty-something now, he’s a young man in the musical. And I don’t care if you don’t like the name Craig, I just randomly thought of it. Respect the art.) alone in his room at St. Charles Place, a lower-middle class neighborhood.
He works for the Electric Company right around the corner, but wants something more in life. Craig wants to get rich as a businessman, but doesn’t have the opportunity to do so. He breaks out into a song similar to “Reflection” from Mulan about how he wants to break free.
-Craig finds a flyer for a beauty contest where the first prize is a couple hundred bucks. He’s excited; que catchy rhymic song. However, he comes in second place and only wins 10 bucks; que sad “I’m never gonna make it” song. He bumps into the winner of the contest, Jessika (Yes, with a K. Again, respect the art. This is Anna Kendrick).
Sparks fly; que “I’ve just fallen in love” song.
-Craig tells Jessika about how he wants to get rich, and that conversation is overheard by a kind man who introduces himself as Rich Uncle Pennybags (Steve Buscemi; hopefully he can sing).
He tells him about a Monopoly tournament at the Boardwalk that will be broadcast all over the world, and the winner gets an executive position at a rich investment firm at Park Place along with ten million dollars. It’s a lot like the Hunger Games except the losers just go on welfare instead of being brutally killed. Real money is used and there’s a $1,500 dollar entry fee. Craig doesn’t have that money and has no clue how to play Monopoly, but Pennybags promises that he’ll help him master the game and he’ll front him the money if he can have a small split of the winning money and if Craig will help him pick up chicks. The two agree on the deal.
-Pennybags teaches Craig the ropes via, much like Phil did to Hercules.
-Craig, Jessika, and Pennybags travel to the Boardwalk and are ready to play. Craig’s opponents are a big, bulky, dumb guy named Hulk (Lou Ferrigno),
a nameless 9 month old child, for some reason (find a random baby, Broadway),
and a quiet–yet genius–Monopoly mastermind named Frank (Kevin Spacey).
-The game gets underway. The baby starts and rolls a 7. The baby’s helper–because, again, it’s a baby and can’t do much–draws a Chance card and is told to move to the Boardwalk space. When asked if he/she wants to buy it, the baby who hasn’t learned to talk yet doesn’t say anything. This is taken as a pass, putting Boardwalk up for auction right off the bat. Bringer, Frank, and Craig all rattle off prices, but Hulk comes out of nowhere and yells “$1500!!!!” Everyone stops bidding and Hulk uses all of his money on Boardwalk. He justifies his decision by saying, “I wanted the best property on the board!” Hulk’s turn is next, and rolls double 2’s, putting him on Luxury Tax. He has to mortgage Boardwalk to stay alive. He rolls again, and gets a 3. Chance again: “Move back 3 spaces.” He lands on Luxury Tax again and is put into a debt he can’t pay off. He’s out. He gets angry, turns into The Hulk, and police officers have to shoot tranquilizers to subdue him. Que an “oompa-loompa”-y elimination song. Broadwalk is back up for sale.
-Craig’s next. He rolls a 3 for Baltic. He buys it, but not without being disappointed. He wanted something a bit more valuable, like Oriental Avenue, on his first roll. Pennybags tells him not to get too frustrated; every property is valuable in its own way. Frank is next, get’s double 3’s, snake eyes, and a 7. He ends up with two light blue’s and a railroad, so he’s in control early. The baby is next, but before he/she can roll, they have a hissy fit. Unwilling to roll or play, the baby quits and takes a nap instead. “Oompa-loompa” song, modified for the baby.
-Craig lands on Electric Co., and wants to buy it since he works there. Pennybags instructs him not to, but Craig asks, “What about ‘Every property is special in its own way?'” Pennybags retorts by pointing out that utilities in Monopoly are next to useless, and Craig understands. He passes, letting Frank get it on auction for $1. Craig immediately realizes how stupid that was.
-A few turns pass, and it looks like Craig is screwed: Frank has a monopoly on light blue (with a few houses on each of them), and he’s one property away from monopolies on red, yellow, and green. He’s also got a good amount of money. Frank, however, gets a monopoly on orange and already has the final property for red. He needs those last yellow and greens, but doesn’t get them. Frank now has a few monopolies, and also gets Meditteranean for good measure. Pinks and dark blues are still up in the air
-TRADE TIME!!!! Craig knows he’s screwed if he doesn’t start building on orange, so he deals the last red for Meditteranean and some coin. He builds three houses on orange, while Frank starts building on red.
-Back and forth they go, buying and building, and Craig starts to come back. He, somehow, buys all three of the pinks by himself, but Frank gets Park Place. The race for Boardwalk is piviotal, but Craig ends up landing on it…but putting it up for auction again. This time, he goes toe-to-toe-, bid-to-bid with Frank on it. Frank ends up winning it, but that’s what Craig wanted all along; Frank went way over the market value for it, spreading himself too thin. It looks like Craig can win now!
-Too bad he doesn’t. He lands on NC Ave with a hotel, and that ends his game. Frank wins…..
-BUT WAIT!!!!!!! The FBI comes and arrests Frank for money laundering!!!! He cheated!!!!! Craig, therefor, is the winner. He and Jessika are about to begin a new life together, but not before Pennybags gets his help. He says he doesn’t want the money–he secretly is a billionaire and has won this very tournament 5 times in the 60’s–but just wants to go pick up chicks. So Craig brings him to the bar, and just tells Pennybags to tell any woman he wants how much money he has. It works, duh. Grand Finale plays, everyone lives happily ever after.
That was such a crappy story that I’m proud of myself for thinking of it. Hopefully, the real life version isn’t as bad as mine. Hey Broadway: feel free to use this plot as the skeleton of the real thing without any charge; next one’s gonna cost ya.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna play Monopoly on my phone.