The World Is Up To Iceland In NHL News

First thing’s first. Steven Stamkos is staying put in Tampa Bay. Not sure if its his fault or his former GM who for some reason declared himself the Oracle of Delphi and lead on the fan bases of three teams who have sucked lately. Detroit sneaks in and gets knocked out in the first round every year and Pavel Datsyuk finally had enough and “retired” to the KHL just like Trotsky “retired” to Mexico before being assassinated. Toronto is self explanatory and the Bruins fan base has been getting cuckolded by management since the Jarome Iginla debacle of 2013.

Instead of going to one of these teams and making $10-13M, Stamkos will be making $8.5M in Tampa. He must really like the fan base and the melting rink because he’s making less money there after being exiled from the faceoff dot by Tyler Johnson.

Meanwhile the Canadiens and Oilers have executed two trades that make me cringe like thinking about a catheter being inserted into my urethra makes me cringe.

The Oilers, under the impeccable leadership of one Peter Chiarelli, have shipped out their leading scorer because they oh so desperately needed a right-handed defenseman. Adam Larsson’s first season playing in all 82 games yielded a limpdick three goals and 15 assists. But since he’s right-handed he’s worth adding to Peter Chiarelli’s hall of rinky dink defenseman who I pick for every Bucci OT challenge because IF they score I’m the richest man on earth.

The Canadiens are also racist and shipped their best player to the Predators in favor of a man who’s into a 14-year contract that has him signed until he’s 40. They opted for 31-40 year old Shea Weber instead of 27-31 year old PK Subban. All because people didn’t like his charisma and inability to speak French. And maybe because he’s black.

Meanwhile the Bruins are knee deep in damage control city after they blew potential trades for Kevin Shattenkirk and Cam Fowler (I’d include Andrew Shaw on that list too). Now we’re hearing they’re preparing a $47M offer sheet to Jacob Trouba. Since he’s an RFA this would also cost the Bruins cash and their next four 1st round picks. Three letters come to mind:

WTF.

So the Bruins forfeit four first rounders and give Sultan of Dubai money to a 22-year old?

Well let’s take a step back. The Bruins have drafted four players in the first round each of the last four years (two this year), and their defense really sucks. It would be a lot, but since their bull pen is locked and loaded, they have money and they need a defenseman, this ain’t so bad. Not as ideal as Fowler or Shattenkirk but if Trouba studs it up until he’s 30 that’s a good deal.