ICYMI: The Patriots’ Roster Died Today

Dion Lewis. Sebastien Vollmer. Shaq Mason.

Those are the three. If you want analysis (if that’s what people are calling my writing these days), then continue reading.

If I was held a gunpoint and told that we could only have Dion Lewis for half the season and I had to pick one, I wouldn’t be a fucktrumpet and say “Whatever,” I’d probably pick the second half. I’d rather have him for the entire season, but realistically this guy has termites in his knees or something and is about as healthy as a Zika baby.

Vollmer and Mason really makes the offensive line debacle that much more interesting of a shitstorm of tar and feathers. This group already sucks as it is so we better hope Jonathan Cooper starts practicing or else there will be a gaping glory hole at both A gaps for Vince Wilfork to plug up like he’s Vince Wilcork come Week One. I’m hoping for a Thuney-Stork-Cooper Axis of Awesome in the interior that will make Steve Keim look like a spoon for making Chandler Jones stand erect with double splits. And I don’t want to watch Josh Kline (also injured) and David Andrews let defenders through the line like Syrian refugees to Greece for a second year in a row.

Anyway, here’s Howie Long manhandling a baby during the Bears game on Thursday.

Howie Long Baby

P.S. No, Bernard Pollard has not been spotted anywhere in the Foxboro area.

@jonsgaard19