Jimmy overcame everything in this game. He overcame being the second on the Mt. Rushmore of handsomest QBs in the NFL (barring a position change by pubic hair artisan Eric Decker). He overcame not having Gronk, having two clogged toilets and the tackle positions, the Cardinals defense, and Larry Fitzgerald placing the ball three yards upfield from where he was tackled to try to pull a fast one on the refs. Lucky for us viewers Larry has outgrown his domestic violence phase and instead resorts to snide trickery to try to get what he wants.
We’ve all seen Brett Favre complete his first NFL pass to himself, and of course there’s Brad Johnson’s touchdown pass to known liability Brad Johnson, and I won’t even bring up Ryan Tannehill because I wouldn’t want to jinx this, his 4th consecutive breakout season. But the difference here is obviously in the looks department. We’ll set aside Jimmy’s alleged drug addiction while I point out that Favre also liked to kill pain himself. And as a single man, there’s no potential for any love interest of Jimmy’s to accidentally rent a car that has a shotgun in it.
You know that eerie feeling you get when someone who’s clearly fucked up sits next to you and talks to you and the whole time you think they’re going to either kiss you or stab you? That’s what I get seeing Jimmy take a hit of these dank salts and do that weird head thing that’s very similar to when dogs come up from underwater.
I dig some digging and found out the Aaron Rodgers was rather flaccid in the preseasons of 2005-7. It wasn’t until the Dallas game in 2007 that people knew what he would be. Brett Favre was too busy thinking about what low-level staffer he was going to send a picture of his penis to at halftime before he realized that he has actually taken a 5-step drop and Nates Jones knocked him out. Long story short the Packers lost but Aaron Rodgers gave them enough false hope for Packers ownership to force Favre into retirement that offseason.
Well now we know. Jimmy is the real deal. The line starts at a late first round pick if you even want to get into the same time zone as Bill Belichick. Throw in a second rounder in a year where there’s an eclectically-named cornerback available and he’ll meet you at Tiger Woods’ restaurant for Coronas.
I don’t see Trevor Siemian or Blaine Gabbert, the other two plug and hope for the best QBs of 2016, improvising like Louie and pitching a strike 30 yards down the field.
An this play was absolute genius on Jimmy’s part. Snap the ball and throw it to the open receiver. Just like they teach you in school. Now that the Cardinals don’t employ more veterans than the Wounded Warrior Project it’s easy to just lob the ball over the heads of their lazy millennial secondary.
Best move for Jimmy now is to ride this high into Miami next week and congratulate Ryan Tannehill on his breakout season before bullying the Dolphins secondary all day on home turf.
Moving on, if the Patriots defense were a woman I’d date it. More accurately if it looked at me accidentally I’d fall in love with it and then pretend I don’t see it in public and hope it’s braver than me.
The Patriots front 7, with their medley of edge rushers, fat guys and former high school sprinters is set to screw over more offensive lines and cause more offensive coaches to lose their jobs than the namesake of the Cardinals’ field.
Pot Roast who?
In the back end Malcolm Butler had a lot of key breakups but certainly let up his fair share of completions. Logan Ryan is going to look great with $50 million and a different jersey next year before he does the Asomugha Shuffle and starts sucking. Justin Coleman had himself a game as well with a few keys breakups.
And the oft-left behind fat kid of course is the special teams. The 8-yard starting point for the Cardinals late in the game may have been the difference between a win and a loss. And remember when Bill got shit on for drafting a longsnapper? Well, it’s important. Because that ended up being the actual difference between a win and loss.
I would make a Blair Walsh joke but Blair made that one himself on Sunday.
The year is 2116. Will it be Ryan Tannehill’s breakout season?
All GIFs courtesy of Reddit user /u/timnog.
All words courtesy of the sweatshop in Pakistan that made my laptop.
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