So if you aren’t paying attention/if you’ve been living under a rock, Massachusetts citizens will not only vote for which physical embodiment of diarrhea will take over in the White House, but they’ll give their two cents on four different ballot questions. The most notable of the four–at least in my age demographic–is question four, which would allow recreational marijuana use to be legalized with a “Yes” vote. I’m sure you’re all aware of that though, thanks to the lethal combination of Facebook and those couple of random kids you went to high school with who dropped out junior year to become a rapper.
The “Yes” campaign dropped their first commercial of the election cycle recently. Nothing really notable about it besides the lazy eye goin’ on with Nurse Reefer.
So naturally, like Austria-Hungrary after Franz Ferdinand got a cap popped in his ass, the “No” campaign had to retaliate.
And, boy, is their retaliation a gem.
If you listen closely you can hear every mom in America say, “OH MY GOD FINALLY YES THANK YOU!”
Before we break this bad boy down, lemme just say that I’m not a man who indulges in SMMMMOCKIN…
…but I don’t have an issue with people who do. Do yo’ thang, people.
First off, if you look closely about 2 seconds in, you can see a place outside of the little girl’s window called Weed World. I would call it less “world” and more of a “region.” Weed Region. That place isn’t big at all; looks like a building that used to old an old crappy video rental place that went out of business in 2006 and just got Weed World to be its new tenants after years of no one touching the place. And does Weed World have a garage to the left of the main entrance? Does that hold their Pot Mobile? Who’s to say?
The commercial tries to make a point that weed stores would be harmful to neighborhoods because they’d be around other businesses that little kids, like the one in the commercial, would be around. The “No” camp takin’ a page outta the ol’ book of Buzzfeed, How To Be Rel8able In 37 Steps. So, to get that across, they put a weed store next to a toy store, trying to spin that like it’s a bad thing.
It’s not. That’s capitalism at its finest, baby!
Think about it: you go to Pot ‘R’ Us and splurge. Get some of that sticky icky, a new state-of-the-art piece, The Best Of Rusted Root on CD, the works.
You know what would be awesome to play with while you’re SMMMMMOCKIN…
…and playing “Send Me On My Way” for the 14th straight time (since it’s the only song that would be on the album)? Transformers. My Little Pony dolls. Beyblades. Legos. Toys in general.
So trying to spin a weed store being next to a toy store is a dumb idea, Team “No,” because now you’re inadvertently making it look like the owners of these dispensaries are smart and savvy businessmen and businesswomen, who know how to take advantage of their market and create a plethora of commerce. The toy store owner benefits, too, with a whole new customer base to cater to; it’s a much better potential source of revenue than the dentist’s office that used to be there.
Then they try and say that the pot edibles look like candy and other goodies. Well, yeah, that’s true. Edibles look like normal food. Pot brownies look like normal brownies. Pot cookies look like normal cookies. Pot pie…well now we’re reaching a gray area, but you catch my drift.
But little kids aren’t getting their hands on that. “OH THE KIDS WILL BE CURIOUS!!!! WHAT WILL WE TELL THEM?!?! THINK OF THE CHILDRENNNNN!!!!!”
Parents are obviously* not gonna take their kids in there to buy weed. That’s laughable, much like the commercial as a whole. The worst that’ll happen is they see a weed store, as what’s in there, and you either tell them straight up or you shelter them from the realities of the world.
*at least I don’t think so; nothing surprises me in this country anymore
And kids are OBVIOUSLY not gonna go in there by themselves and walk away with any products. So, it’ll be like booze now. Older kids will either get fakes or have even older kids get the goods for them. We don’t have a huge issue with that as a society now, right? People aren’t going around, rambling and protesting that our children are being exposed to liquor stores. I see parents bring their little kids in all the time to the packie that I work at, and there have been less issues than a diplomatic meeting between Canada and Switzerland. So why is it all of a sudden a big thing when it’s weed? Question 4 ain’t an issue about children, as the commercial suggests.
The ad also says that in Colorado, where recreational SMMMMMOCKIN…
…is legal, there are more pot shops than Starbucks and McDonald’s combined. That’s, surprisingly, true. There’s almost 1,000 places to get weed in Colorado, about twice as many places to get a pumpkin spiced latté and a Quarter Pounder with a side of BMs and heart failure.
But Colorado’s yuge. Yuuuuge. Massachusetts isn’t. Less land. More condensed. Less amount of area you have to travel to get from where you are to where you wanna be. There will not be *ONE THOUSAND* places to get weed in this state. There are a combined 408 McDanks’ and Starby’s in this state, according to bostonmagazine.com, and if the “Yes” vote is passed, then only 75 dispensaries will be opened in the Commonwealth within a year. From there, folks, you’ll have a better chance of making Colin Kaepernick stand up during the anthem than getting 400-never mind 1,000–weed stores in this state.
And then….oh boy…….then, the star of the show comes out.
Here comes Kevin, aka Uncle Daddy Big Nuts, walking out of the weed store with his HUUUUUGE BAG of marijuana accessories, y’know, to let everyone knows that he loves SMMMMMOCKIN…
…and OH NO! WHO DOES HE FIND?!?!
A TEN!!!! A TEN OUT OF TEN!!!!! SO CRINGEWORTHY!!!! SO BAD!!!!! YET SO GOOD!!!!!!!
Out with method actors like Daniel Day-Lewis, the quintessential performers on the screen are those working in anti-marijuana political ads! The initial shock of Kevin finding and his mom is RIVETING.
And then the intense pause, for effect. Mom’s suddenly realizing that this isn’t just some random millenial reefer being lazy…it’s her first born. Her pride and joy.
And finally…the rhetorical question that will ring with all of us for a lifetime.
Not only is it a question, or a sign of shock, but it’s a call for help. “God, what did I do wrong? How can I fix my son?”
AND THE KID SISTER WAS THERE!!!!! NOT THE KID SISTER!!!! Now what’s Mom gonna do knowing that her sister knows that Kev is puffing the magic dragon? Eating the devil’s lettuce?
Wow. What an ad.
Beautiful. Poetic. Relatable. Trustworthy. Legitimate. Unintentionally comical, no matter where you stand on the issue.
Cover photo courtesy of The Boston Globe.