NFL Conference Championship Weekend Preview

Take a moment this weekend while you’re watching the games and remind yourself that in two weeks, you’re going to have to do that thing that every American is subject to where every year they have to go half the year without football. It truly is a grieving process and at one point everyone flips on Arena Football or the CFL but comes to notice the lack of blissfully ignorant Eagles fans and everyone predicting the same quarterback is going to breakout every season. Instead we revert to being football purists who would literally go to war over the fact that there even exists football fields on earth that have a 55 yard line, teams where every guy has a “Type-A personality,” and that there’s a league that’s not ours that averages in the double digits in undiagnosed concussions per game. So please just remind yourself how good we have it while we have it, before it’s up and gone like a fart in the wind.

NFC CHAMPIONSHIP: PACKERS @ FALCONS

Last week the Falcons embarrassed Russell Wilson in front of his step son, the son of Goo Goo Dolls drummer Future, who obviously must have had sexy time with DangeRuss’s wife Ciara at some point. If only Rees Odhiambo were there then he would’ve made sure they were safe or protected, but only one not the other.

Of course this won’t be an issue for Aaron Rodgers since he hates his family and they won’t be in attendance. This will work against Falcons fans, who will point to the demise of the Cowboys last week and say:

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While simultaneously thinking but not admitting:

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Plus now we’ll know for sure whether or not Matt Ryan can win in the playoffs or is he just the Seahawk killer? I bet he talks to his family, but that takes away from time that could be spent practicing scrambling drills.

Packers 41 Falcons 34

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AFC CHAMPIONSHIP STEELERS @ PATRIOTS

The Cheatsburgh Steelers really shouldn’t let the second most popular locker room talk video of all time cloud what they’ve accomplished so far this post season: defeating the Dolphins, who were riding a hot QB into the postseason, and then showing up to watch the Chiefs beat themselves in Kansas City. The cocky Patriots will go into this game and do what they do best: take a running back out of the game completely but forgetting to account for the Chris Boswell who will kick 11 field goals. But the Patriots will still score over 40 points and win because unlike the Kansas City Cheats you actually need to score touchdowns to beat the Patriots.

Patriots 41 Steelers 34 (awarded +1 when the Patriots sabotage the pipes in the away team locker room toilets)

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That means I’m now the first person to predict a Patriots – Packers Super Bowl. But for the record I did predict this quite a while back:

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On that note check out Wave One (first 4 tracks) from John Mayer’s seventh studio album “The Search For Everything.”