Last night brought us, those solely with Internet friends, a top five moment in Twitter history. I truly don’t think that’s an exaggeration by any means. Look back at your TL, and you can actually pinpoint the *exact* moment La La Land became La La Land.
If you’ve been living under a rock or on the top bunk of a bed by the 38th parallel, La La Land, the result of a completely original idea of romanticizing the Hollywood entertainment industry, got cucked for Best Picture by Moonlight, a movie which may or may not exist depending on who you ask.
Full video of the chaos is here, but read along, too.
The madness was triggered after Warren
Buffet Beatty and Faye Resnick Dunaway were trotted on stage to announce the night’s biggest award. After over half of America made up their minds about who they were rooting for once the 30-second clips of each of the nominated films concluded, Beatty opened up the envelope for, what he thought, was Best Picture.
He read the card to himself, and immediately knew something was up. You could see it in his face; he made the type of face you make when you realize you sent a snap or a text to the absolute wrong person.
“DON’T OPEN THAT DAD IT’S A TRAP!!!!!!”
So Beatty thought fast and threw the proverbial hot potato to Dunaway, who didn’t hesitate in announcing La La Land as the winner.
As a man who had no horse in the race (I was really bad at watching movies over the last 12 months), I was just about ready to call it a night. I looked to fire off one or two more tweets, see who liked the call and who didn’t, and try and sleep, but eventually end up on the Wikipedia page for the 2002 NFL Draft.
But during La La Land‘s crew’s totally-not-prepared thank you speech, some heads began shuffling in the background. I didn’t notice this–nor did anyone I think–because we were all checking Twitter and whatnot, but it’s pretty clear on the tape.
Right before Mr. Bigtime Hollywoodproducerman was about to drop the “Come to Death Row” line (as is tradition for all award shows), he was informed that Moonlight was the actual winner and dropped the most depressing concession line in Best Picture winner snafu history.
“We lost, by the way.” Oh yeah, we lost, nbd. We had to sit through five hours of this just so we could go up thinking we won and then give it up, but it’s whatever. Wanna get Domino’s?
Then, like a well timed RKO, Mr. Otherbigtime Hollywoodproducerman swooped in from outta nowhere and graciously gave up the Award to Moonlight. It was about time that a white guy came and saved the day in Hollywood, because we haven’t really seen that enough.
The audience was stunned! Millions watching at home didn’t know what was happening! Old Testament! Real wrath of God type stuff! Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes, the dead rising from the grave! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together! Mass hysteria!
So what caused this to happen? Well, Beatty was actually holding an envelope for Best Actress, won by Emma Stone for her role in La La Land. She was on stage to help receive the faux-Oscar for Best Picture.
BUT….Stone claimed she was holding the folder that had her name THE ENTIRE TIME!
Instantly, talks about collusion came up, an understandably so. However, it turns out that there are two sets of all envelopes, one for each side of the stage. There are two people in charge of making sure the right envelopes are given, and they need to make sure that they’re *NSYNC about who’s handing what envelopes.
If things go haywire, they need to be on it like butter on toast, which they were. Those people running in the back? They were sent by Thing 1 and Thing 2 who were perhaps the only two people who knew the results beforehand (but I might be wrong on that assumption).
SO HOW DOES THIS INVOLVE MATT DAMON AND BEN AFFLECK?
Noted best friends Matt Damon and Ben Affleck somehow caused this to happen. I’m not 100% sure how they managed to make the two envelope managers mix up the order at the last second because I’m not 100% woke, but they each had motives.
Matt Damon hates Jimmy Kimmel, and that’s a known fact folks. I don’t have/want to explain their whole hatred, but you can read about it here. Their scorn for each other burns like the fire of a thousand suns. Massive wars have been started over less. I haven’t seen this much hatred since the rivalry between Coke and Pepsi, Oasis and Blur, or Lil B and Kevin Durant.
So naturally, Matt Damon wanted to ruin Jimmy Kimmel’s big moment. “You don’t let me on your show because you always run out of time? Fine. I’m gonna make the Internet explode. Now you can never ignore me ever again.”
Ben Affleck’s motive is a little less clear, but if you open your eyes you too can be enlightened. Put on your thinking cap, because this is a doozie.
Who handles the voting procedure for the Oscars? The accounting firm of PricewaterhouseCoopers (or PwC for short).
What’s the name of someone who works at an accounting firm?
What’s the name of the movie Ben Affleck was recently in that made a bunch of money, but bombed in the eyes of the critics?
Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice The Accountant.
The tagline on the poster? CALCULATE YOUR CHOICES.
Should the Academy just have nominated The Accountant for some notable awards to please Ben Affleck? Or should they have stayed the course and have a major blunder?
Yeah, they gave his brother a huge award last night, but that was never gonna satisfy Ben. He needed to put Casey back in his place: in the back seat. Can’t let him get too much attention, y’know? He had to remind him who’s the boss in the family.
Plus, the Academy knew they were on Affleck’s bad side. Remember when he got snubbed for Best Director for Argo?
Ben Affleck is a bit of an enigma who can be hard to understand. Hell, he let Jennifer Garner walk. But if you connect the dots, Affleck gave the Academy a warning that they didn’t adhere to, and he made them pay.
So as two rebels with different motifs but a common bond, Damon and Affleck were probably having a couple of Mountain Dews during their weekly sleepover when the topic of this year’s Oscars came up. They both spilt their guts, they made a plan, bada bing bada boom and just like that we’ve got a controversy on our hands.
Before I leave you: look at this live shot again.
Look at Damon, front and center. Total fake shock face.
“Ohhh, whaaaa?!?! Had nooooo idea this was gonna happen!!!”
Now look at Affleck. Totally composed, hands closed. It’s almost as ifhe’s about to turn behind him…towards Damon.
“Everything’s going as planned…”
Will and Chuckie did this. Wake up, sheeple.
THE ACADEMY SHOULD’VE CALCULATED THEIR CHOICES.