BREAKING: I’ve Applied To Work At The 2022 Winter Olympics

I’m sitting in bed on my laptop at around 1AM on Monday-going-into-Tuesday night, browsing random YouTube videos of Ilya Bryzgalov saying funny things and checking in with Reddit to see what glorious wisdom they have to offer, as I stumble upon a tweet saying that the director of the Opening Ceremony to the 2008 Olympics is gonna direct the portion of the Closing Ceremony of the 2018 Winter Games this upcoming February in South Korea.

For any other person, this sparks as much excitement as a book by Charles Dickens (TRAAAAAAASH author) or a check down pass from Alex Smith on 2nd and 8.

But for a sad sack of poo like myself, this makes me giddy and only increases my anticipation for Pyeongchang (how I spelt that right on my first try I will never know) 2018.

So I see that the Beijing 2022 Twitter handle is tagged. Beijing’s getting the Winter Games after SK; you may remember my post about the bidding process for this future Olympiad a while back when this fine site was known as Stitched Up. I figured I’d take a look, and I see a tweet promoting applications for people to help the Beijing 2022 team with a variety of different tasks.

I went further down the rabbit hole and was greeted with a webpage full of Chinese text that I couldn’t translate for you if all of the double stuffed Oreos in the world were on the line. Thankfully, Chrome has a handy dandy translation tool if it detects a different language is being shown and can successfully translate ~70% of the page into proper English. This allowed me to see what positions were available

And wouldn’t you know but the journalism student found some jobs in media!

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Many people are wondering what my job will be once I graduate from UMass. I have a tremendous amount of options; nobody has more options than me. But a lot of people don’t know that now, becoming the director of the News Propaganda Department of the 2022 Winter Olympics in Chynah is #1 on that list. Special!

I love how that either the website straight up says “News PROPAGANDA Department” and Google wasn’t wrong, or Google presumed that the website meant to say “propaganda.” Either China dgaf no more and won’t hide who they are, or Google dgaf no more and is just expecting the worst from the People’s Republic. They might be pulling a Petty Crocker because of the whole “censoring the Internet” thing.

But nevertheless, I had to continue and look at the requirements for this job. I felt like I was the right man for the job right off the bat, but I had to be sure.

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Let’s break it down.

RESPONSIBILITIES: Sounds like any other Big J editorial job for me. After this I’ll probably be a shoo-in for editor-in-chief at the New York Times. I’ll do it as a passion project; not doing it for the money, word to Foster The People.

REQUIREMENTS: I’ll *HOPEFULLY* have graduated college by 2022, but I’m knocking on wood vigorously as I type this. You can never be too certain.

PROFESSIONAL REQUIREMENTS: Kind of a pointless thing to throw on there after you just said you should at least be in college, no? “Hey, be a graduate. Oh, and also take these classes.” That’s like telling me “Hey, you have to drive to California, oh and also put the key in the ignition.” Little redundant if you ask me but whatevz.

FOREIGN LANGUAGE REQUIREMENTS: Now if anything’s gonna bite me in the ass it’s this. I consider myself fairly proficient in the English language, so I got that on lock. I can speak English with the best of ’em. This whole blog that you’re reading right now? Yeah, puuuuure English baby. But if these people want me to translate English into Chinese or vise versa then honey, they’ve got a big storm comin’. No way I’m learning Chinese for this job. I took Spanish for seven years and I’m still trash at it. I know the basics, the word for pencil sharpener, and the phrase “Where is the library?” off the top of my noggin but after that I have to really think. Thankfully for me, however, I think I’m still gonna have the leverage in this negotiation process thanks to the ever-changing technology landscape. How was I able to even get to this point of the application? That’s right: Google Translate. I’ll carry my phone around and constantly have Google Translate open. No translator needed. Check and mate.

TITLE OR VOCATIONAL QUALIFICATION REQUIREMENTS: See “Professional Requirements.”

WORK EXPERIENCE: Again, see “Professional Requirements.”

OTHER REQUIREMENTS: I ain’t worried about the whole 35 and older thing, I know a guy who can get me a fake ID. They’re pretty legit; they can scan and everything but the Olympics I’m going to doesn’t even scan I don’t think. My buddy went there in 2008 and they didn’t even ask for it. I might be able to get my cousin’s too, he’s old enough but he has a beard and his eyes are a little bit different but we look similar enough. As for the other parts, I can put sentences together, I go out and talk to people, and my MyPlayer on 2K gets pretty high teammate grades every game so I think I check all three of those final requirements.

So with all of that in mind, I went to go and apply, and sure enough I passed the deadline. Missed it by a lot, actually; it was in March, a few days after St. Paddy’s.

No matter, though. I messaged Beijing 2022 on Facebook, explaining the situation. I’m sure they’ll understand.

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I bet you’re thinking to yourself “Fitz you need to go to bed earlier stop doing this” “Where have I heard that phone number before?”

Here’s hoping they reply to my message and get a great deal on some new carpets!