Bill O’Brien Sucks (Warning: Unique Take)

I said some hurtful things aloud while watching Sunday’s marquee Texans-Jaguars matchup. I was warned some of it would hurt Bill O’Brien’s feelings. This is kind of like the global warming issue in the sense that it could be too late by the time his dimple fully engulfs his face.

BOB Chin

He won’t even have a chance to stumble upon my white college-kid sports blog.

Bill O’Brien’s offense is one of the most complex in the NFL. He asks his quarterbacks to adjust theĀ formation of the play (instead of the play itself) based on what looks the defense comes out in. That worked with Tom Brady. Not really with:

  1. Ryan Fitzpatrick – Intriguing strategy by the Ivy-league kid, who actually invented the “random grenade” phenomenon in 1st-person shooter games.
  2. Ryan Mallett
  3. Tom Savage
  4. Brian Hoyer
  5. TJ Yates
  6. Brandon Weeden
  7. Brock Osweiler
  8. Tom Savage part II Electric Boogaloo
  9. Deshaun Watson (we’ll see)

None of these names particularly make my pupils dilate, my hands sweaty, or blood rush to the head (can you guess which head?) In fact, no Texans QB has made me feel any type of way since Sage Rosenfels became the first man to identify as an apache helicopter in a situation with less gravity (pun intended) than “we won’t win the Super Bowl if I don’t go airborne here.”

*Worth noting that Josh McCown joined him last season. You can donate to their foundation here.

All offseason, B.o.B. insisted that Tom Savage had the magic in him. And to be fair, Tom Savage actually does know B.o.B.’s scheme, kind of like I know how to pleasure a woman. I’ve read up on the subject and could probably walk someone else through the process (trust the process), but when I step on the field you’re gonna be disappointed. That’s why he won the starting QB job so easily. He’s been in this scheme for three years, so I’d hope he knows the playbook by now.

Anyone who watched this game knows the main issue was the offensive line. Going into this season everyone and their mother KNEW the Texans offensive line was comparable to the Silly Nanies. Even if Duane Brown wasn’t holding out, I’m not certain a left guard coming back would suddenly fix the other four spots (but I also won’t pretend to be an expert on the subject).

This makes it difficult to get the ball to DeAndre Hopkins, especially since he’s always double-covered because of how often Braxton Miller and Will Fuller drop passes.

So this isn’t to say I don’t agree with inserting Deshaun Watson on Sunday. Watson obviously has a very different skill set than Tom Savage, one that involves being able to run away from defenders who split the A-gap untouched. That’s why folks who don’t know better proclaimed the second coming of Christ when he threw that touchdown pass to DeAndre Hopkins. This tends to happen you’re being blown out and the opposing defense doesn’t have to try very hard.

It’s obvious that B.o.B. made it easy for Watson this game. It’s like what Jim Harbaugh did with Colin Kaepernick his first two years when everyone thought he was a superstar: two reads MAX, then go. Or rollouts or play action. And again, the ability to run makes this an sexier approach. I’ll give Bill O’Brien credit for that, even though any mediocre coach with as much experience as him would know this is the way to go. But that’s not to say Watson had some amazing game. I hate stats and just saying “he was 12/23” can sometimes be misleading, but in this case he was very inaccurate.

The point of this is that O’Brien has been the Texans’ coach since 2014, and has gone 9-7 every year in a shitty division, mainly because of his defense, which I’m 95% sure (don’t look it up) he has nothing to do with. He’s known for three years that he doesn’t have a QB that can execute his offense. I know he’s not the GM, but he obviously has a say in what Rick Smith does. The guy that will be coaching these hopeless cases has a say. It’s just that he’s currently 0/7 over three seasons.

At this point you’re thinking, “He hasn’t gotten anyone? He just drafted Watson!” Well yeah, and after doing the Kevin Kolb shuffle all off-season, the Tom Savage Era ended after one half. Yes, four of those sacks are probably on Savage. Yes, Watson has played one half of real NFL football. And yes, I can even see the Texans making the playoffs because Deshaun Watson will have no where else to run but the postseason. But that WON’T be because of O’Brien. That would be because of the defense, and Watson’s ability to run. It WON’T be a viable offense. B.oB. is entering his fourth year as the Texans’ “offensive guru”, and Houston’s team offense has been in a free fall (14 in’14, 22 in ’15, 29 in ’16) under B.o.B. It would be pretty bad if they lost out to the Jets and Colts, who they’ll beat by stepping on the field, and then one of San Francisco, Cleveland and Cincinnati.

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Whoops. If it weren’t for hurricane, they’d have hit rock bottom.

Side Note: Pumped for when he gets fired and Mike Vrabel is their next Head Coach.