American Airlines Has Computer Glitch; Gives All Pilots Vacation For Christmas

I can’t imagine the type of bloodbath this has created. It’s gotta be all out war within the trenches of AA’s Slack and WhenIWork apps with all the pilots trying to defend this absolute gift that fell into their laps. This is the kind of stuff people in the working class must dream about. Free vacation? During the holidays?! Giddy up bitch! The fight coming from those who may have already had a vacation planned must be even more intense. Imagine having that already planned out? Two tickets to paradise purchased for you and your boo, excursions all mapped, and all inclusive amenities waiting for you like you’re Michael Scott.

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But then some other rando pilot from Akron or Omaha wants to try and take YOUR precious time away from the grind? Get out of here with that bullshit, Frank from Salt Lake City, this is my time.

The feuds between those who were blessed with these instant Christmas breaks must be high stakes too right? A whole lotta IOUs (word to Lloyd Christmas) are gonna be flying around.

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“RON I COVERED YOU FOR THAT FLIGHT FROM ATLANTA TO LAGUARDIA WITH THE LAYOVER IN CHARLOTTE DURING THANKSGIVING LAST YEAR, YOU OWE ME THIS ONE!”

“WELL WHAT ABOUT WHEN I DID THAT NONSTOP FROM LA TO CANCUN DURING SPRING BREAK FOR YOU?!?! WE’RE EVEN JEREMY!!!!”

“I MADE UP FOR THAT LIKE FIVE TIMES LAST SUMMER DURING WEEKENDS! I WASN’T ABLE TO SEE MY KIDS FOR WEEKS IN JULY!”

I feel like this type of thing was bound to happen at some point. There’s just too much trust put into technology nowadays, so much trust that a little glitch can cause a Lord of the Flies situation between airline pilots. Lord of the Flyers, if you will. And if I found out my flight got cancelled because of a stupid glitch it’s fade on sight for any and all robots I ever come across for the rest of my life. I’m horrified of a robot uprising, so if an expensive plane ticket of mine became useless because of one of them I’m going on a rampage, refund from AA or not. Don’t care if a computer system isn’t a full on robot, maybe that computer gained consciousness and this is how they begin taking over. I can only trust them as far as I can throw them, and considering I’m a scrawny dude with no muscle to begin with, I can’t throw a computer nor a robot very far. Do the math there and stay woke.

The sneakiest thing about all this to me is the fact that American Airlines thinks they can fix this whooooole fiasco, all their pilots given the week off, with just a little time and a half. Are you kidding me? Time and a half is appropriate reimbursement for a dude like me having to work on the 4th of July or Memorial Day or what-have-you at a gas station, The Home Depot, or a liquor store, all three of which I’ve called places of employment. And sure, a pilot is probably not making minimum wage like I was–at least I’d hope that’s the case. But with the pay a pilot gets comes the added responsibility of operating a FUCKING FLYING TUBE WITH SO MANY PEOPLE IN IT THROUGH THE SKY THAT CAN CRASH IF A STUPID BIRD GETS STUCK IN THE ENGINE AT THE WRONG PLACE AT THE WRONG TIME! That’s a bananas amount of stress to deal with! One that can be perhaps relieved a bit through vacation time!

I know that if I was given a free vacation, I’d need at least like 10x the amount of pay by the hour. Something to not only wet the beak, but to waterboard it. Really bleed the suckers out for some extra dough. After all, it’s the holiday season (which started last week, if you didn’t already know)! It’s better to give than to receive, no? They don’t like it? Hey, I’m not the one who fucked up. They did. In fact, I’d be doing them a favor getting back into the cockpit. They’ve made enough money jacking the prices of tickets up, they can afford to stuff my pockets a bit more than what I’d get with just time and a half. If they don’t oblige, then I’ll see them after my unexpected vacation in Aruba. It’d be a real shame if all their customers had to get into a Planes, Trains & Automobiles situation. A real shame.

Also, obligatory Mulaney bit. I know it’s about Delta and not American but the point remains the same: