LIONS: I absolutely mailed this one in because no one cares about the Lions.

Welcome to the Podcast AF offseason review series, astutely titled “The Probe” – the unofficial official NFL offseason review series of the Vegas Golden Knights. Here, like most NFL “writers”, I will regurgitate takes I read or heard somewhere else and pass them off as original thoughts. Will Ryan Tannehill breakout in 2018? Was Mike McCarthy abandoned by the run game as a child? Does Saturn have a playoff atmosphere? Your questions, answered! Sponsored by “Ready Player One”, in theaters now!


#20 – The Detroit Lions (9-7, 2nd NFC North)

Everyone’s mad at Jay Feely for this photo:

Does anyone even see that kid’s hair? It looks like the NBC logo. Feely’s probably held the kid at gunpoint while he shaved a CBS logo into the back of his head.

Does anyone care about a review of the Lions? They’re the most vanilla team in the NFL. Every year they go either 7-9 or 9-7 and in the vent they make the playoffs it’s one-and-done. They’re plain eggs in a bowl. They’re name is Norman and live alone with their cat, who is also names Norman. (shoutout r/LifeofNorman).

In the interest of no one caring about the Lions: Matt Stafford is pretty good under Jim Bob Cooter. Golden Tate and Marvin Jones are two top-15 WRs in the NFL. They throw the ball 5000 times a game and as a result have the 6th-best passing offense in the league but haven’t had a run game since Barry Sanders retired.

Trying to catch the defense off-guard with a run? Every running back on the Lions holds a sign that says the play on it. They signed the guy who perpetually embodies the largest “IT’S A RUN” sign ever: LeGarrette Blount.

The Lions have a solid 3/5 OL: RG TJ Lang, C Graham Glasgow, and RT Rick Wagner. Entering his third season, LT Taylor Decker hasn’t achieved any sort of success. LG Kenny Wiggins is a very weak link on the OL.

Eric Ebron is finally gone. Blocking TEs Luke Willson and Levine Toilolo were signed, maybe in an attempt to get the run game going. The Lions offense basically relies on the threat of deep passes.

The defense relies on Ziggy Ansah. He’s really the only every-down guy on the DL. Aside from Darius Slay at CB and Glover Quin Jr. at FS, the LBs and DBs have nothing to show for. As a result, the Lions signed a shit ton of dpeth guys but no one that’s really a layup to be a starter. A lot of younger guys are going to get opportunities this year at all of Detroit’s positions groups.

I could’ve gotten through that 10x faster than I did and it still would’ve been miserable. Godspeed, Matt Patricia. I don’t even care what Pricksco thinks of the Lions. I am so uninterested in anything to do with Detroit that’s not Pavel Datsyuk or Jack White, especially now that Matthew Stafford and Kelly Hall are married and I can’t follow their relationship on Instagram since the fun part is over. #1year2rings