Help us Norv Turner, you’re our only hope

Welcome to the Podcast AF offseason review series, astutely titled “The Probe” – the unofficial official NFL offseason review series of the Vegas Golden Knights. Here, like most NFL “writers”, I will regurgitate takes I read or heard somewhere else and pass them off as original thoughts. Will Ryan Tannehill breakout in 2018? Was Mike McCarthy abandoned by the run game as a child? Does Saturn have a playoff atmosphere? Your questions, answered! Sponsored by “Ready Player One”, in theaters now!

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#22 – The Carolina Panthers (11-5, 2nd NFC South)

A couple weeks ago, Cam Newton’s car was hit by a dump truck. NFL news aggregator Pro Football Talk threw the story up on their site, and its final sentence encapsulated the Panthers’ 2017 campaign to a tee:

There’s no word as to whether the Panthers 2017 receiving corps and offensive game plan being hauled in the back of the dump truck were damaged.

Did anyone ever tell Mike Shula the definition of insanity? Despite not having a deep threat and Greg Olsen getting injured, Shula insisted on a vertical scheme that he did not have the personnel to run. Cam Newton’s legs dragged the Panthers to 11 wins and an early exit in the playoffs. But hey, Shula was fired! The Panthers can bring in an OC that isn’t married to a vert-

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They’re going 6-10.

Cam Newton’s accuracy “issues” are actually quite blown out of proportion due to having always been in vertical schemes, but in 2017 the accuracy issue was actually an issue. This is what happens when the Brothers Kalil are old and washed up, Ed Dickson is your main pass-catcher, Christian McCaffrey has “pass” written on his forehead, and none of your receivers can create separation.

Upon further review I realized that if McCaffrey has anything written on his forehead no one would see it because he always wears that dumb headband that makes his hair look like Jay Feely’s daughter’s boyfriend (if he’s still alive).

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Norv Turner has successfully used fast players like Darren Sproles in the past, so maybe he can do something with McCaffrey, Curtis Samuel, and Damiere Byrd. On the other hand, Turner also failed to get Randy Moss involved in whatever that was in Oakland when Moss was in his prime.

I’d place my chips on a shitty pass game again in Carolina. They have no RBs besides McCaffrey and their best player, Andrew Norwell, caught the first boat to Ocean Avenue. RT Daryl Williams is really all the Panthers going on the OL, and I’ll give LG Trai Turner some love too.

If the Panthers break 6 wins then Cam deserves MVP, but he’ll really just know how Philip Rivers has felt his entire career.

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If I could find you now things would get better.

DEFENSE:

Movie Comparison: Call Me By Your Name. The last one was great but I have low expectations for the sequel. (Nope, not the gay aspect you presumptuous sicko.)

One ticket to bananaland when you’re told both Julius Peppers and Thomas Davis are still on this team. At least the Panthers will have the first four games to get a look at any potential Davis replacements, as he announced he’ll retire after this season. Sucks that his team is going to suck for his final year.

The Addison-Poe-Short-Peppers arrangement on the DL is pretty good. Dontari Poe can do what Star Lotolelei did last season and just kind of be there while Kawaan Short murders the opposing OL, like the elevator scene from Get Smart. Addison and Peppers excel in Carolina’s wide-9 arrangement.

As we move further back in the defense, things still look jolly for the time being. We’ve just broken up the Rockwell’s marriage on Tranquility Lane. Something not right happened, but everything’s still good. Someone will have to play four games for Thomas Davis. Luke Kuechly will probably miss a few games with a concussion. Shaq Thompson will hold down the fort at the Will LB spot. All good.

DEFENSIVE BACKS:

Aaaaaaaaand we’ve just murdered Mrs. Henderson. Hop in the fridge Indy, there’s a nuke about to go off.

Trading Daryl Worley isn’t even a knock here because he sucked anyway. But James Bradberry and Kevon Seymour also suck. Who’s even playing FS? They have a WR listed as the backup right now. The saving grace is Mike Adams at SS, but he’s 37. There’s nothing here. Nothing. The nuke just went off on Tranquility Lane and we didn’t make it to the refrigerator in time. Decapitated by the Brave Little Toaster.

Ron Rivera should get on the first plane to Pee-wee’s Playhouse and beg Jambi the Genie for a pass rush.

MAJOR DRAFT NEEDS: Entire OL aside from RT, entire secondary, OLB, RB that can run the ball, WRs that can catch the ball, DE that isn’t 90 years old.

*Worth noting that the Panthers did sign people in free agency. “People” is the key word. A bunch of people.

Prisco’s Pickanosis:

In honor of Pete Prisco telling me I’m dumb and that I’ll fail, here’s this entry’s edition of “Prisco’s Pickanosis,” where I highlight something the Tom Brady of acting like an infant on Twitter was completely wrong about.

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Am I missing something? Because I didn’t know running the ball impacted a QB’s completion percentage…it doesn’t, right?

@JohnAnders42